Shakespeare? It's always Shakespeare.
(W.S. Gilbert, apparently. Thanks, Google.)
No idea who he is, but LOOK AT THAT MOUSTACHE. Dayum.
Whether or not anyone knows who the fuck W.S. Gilbert is (watch everyone be like you don't know who W.S. Gilbert is???), he said some smart words. Which is why I've taken him to heart and will begin implementing these punishments immediately for all of the following sins against humanity:
1. Borrowing things you don't return.
This man borrowed a lawn mower so he could pray to it. Photo courtesy of agencyrepairshop.com
Punishment: The person you borrowed from gets to “borrow” something of yours. Don’t return the lawnmower? They get your power saw. Don’t return the blender? They get your microwave. Fair’s fair.
2. Not replacing toilet paper (and/or leaving new TP roll on counter instead of putting it on dispenser like a grown-up).
We all know at least one of these people. Maybe it's you. If so, go fuck yourself. Just kidding. (*murmurs threats*)
Punishment: No toilet paper for a week. You heard me. And the second offense is two weeks, and so on. You'll have to forage for leaves or something, I don't know. Not my fucking problem. Figure your shit out yourself (pun intended).
3. "Liking" your own Facebook posts.
Punishment: Offender must post “I like my own Facebook posts” to all social media accounts. ALL OF THEM. YES, INCLUDING LINKEDIN. I don't give a SHIT if your future employers see it. You got yourself into this, now get yourself the fuck out.
4. Being a drunk asshole. (For example: starting unreasonable fights, puking in inappropriate places, talking only about yourself, flirting with someone other than your partner, getting too drunk and having to call your ex-wife to come pick you up when she's got to work the midnight shift at the hotel and really needed that last hour of rest first, etc.)
Or this. Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com
Punishment: Offender must buy the victim a bottle of their favorite liquor (yes, even if it is expensive) and they don’t get any of it. Not a drop, even if it is Bombay Sapphire gin which is the elixir of the gods.
5. Honking at someone when you're the one who fucked up. Or flipping the bird, or gesturing angrily, or yelling. Generally being an asshole to your victim, is what I'm saying.
Photo courtesy of aattp.org
Punishment: Offender has to go back through high school driver’s ed. EVERY DAMN TIME. NO EXCEPTIONS.