If you thought Flat Martini’s first trip was exciting, just wait until you check out this week’s adventure. When I got the pictures from it, I couldn’t stop hysterically laughing. And it was that kind of laugh where your kids say, “Mom, what’s so funny?” and you have to quickly shut the top of your laptop so they can’t see and ask you why there’s a laminated cocktail plastered all over your screen.
Flat Martini was a lucky guy this week. These two ladies are readers who are so awesome. They comment, they share, and they laugh at my ridiculous Facebook posts. What more can a writer possibly ask for? I loved that they are friends who wanted to show Flat Martini around together. How sweet – Flat Martini bringing people together.
I asked them to each write a few sentences about themselves. Even their bios are hilarious.
Joanna James: Joanna lives in Ladera Ranch, Calif., far too close to one of those “Real Housewives,” with her husband Richard and 10-year-old son, Travis. When not wasting time on Facebook or playing tennis, she works as an accountant, helping small businesses not go broke. She would rather be sitting on a Hawaiian beach with her toes in the sand and a tropical drink nearby than writing this.
Juliana Kelly: After moving from Connecticut to California for college, Juliana found her Prince Charming, had two more little “charmings” and woke up surprised to find herself living in Orange County after years of making fun of tan, planned communities. She is a registered nurse, a really bad elementary school tutor, a very fast driver (why are we always late?!) and a pretty chill friend. Occasionally she participates in half marathons, but currently her interests are Cadbury mini eggs and her furry Restoration Hardware blanket. Joanna claims that Juliana is Martinis and Minivans (Danielle Herzog) doppelgenger but this can only be proven by matching birthmarks.
So without futher ado, here’s their adventure with Flat Martini!
Flat Martini had an amazing time with the real housewives of Orange County, California. No, not those housewives…the REAL housewives of Orange County; the ones who have professional type jobs, who do homework with their kids, shuttle them to baseball and other activities and most definitely need some three-dimensional martinis to deal with all that shit.
Sure, those other housewives drink martinis, and sometimes even in the same places we do. But despite the way things might appear on TV, we have WAY more fun.
That includes fun in places like Los Angeles and Laguna Beach. Just like those other housewives, Flat Martini’s hosts Joanna and Juliana escape from our more inland abodes to the sand, art galleries and great restaurants/bars.
Flat Martini didn’t quite understand, though, that we usually go to the beach to cool off, not to be someplace warmer (note Juliana’s winter vest vs. bikinis on the beach, but c’mon – it was like 67 degrees at my house).
Either way, he was happy to enjoy the company of other martinis at Nick’s in Laguna Beach, see the lifeguard shack and be someplace warm enough where people are going shirtless. Except, ewww…maybe not that one!
Enjoying our “secret lives” at Nick’s while the kids are in school.
Flat Martini also met the official greeter of Laguna Beach, Eiler Larsen (who Juliana thinks was another homeless guy. Even homeless guys are famous in the OC!). After greeting random European tourists and annoyed Tesla-driving Barbies we all sat in the sand and declared “How cute are we?!” cause we had unintentional matching pedicures. Cheers! We match!
Then he went shopping with us on the way back home to help us stock up for dealing with the rest of our fun-filled lives. (Organic means its good for you right?)
Because here in Orange County, despite what the rest of the world may have seen on TV, it’s not all fun in the sun. Sometimes our lives are filled with the really craptastically amusing stuff, like fifth grade homework that usually makes someone mad and someone cry. Ok it’s us, we are the ones crying and screaming. But have you seen this common core shit? There’s not enough vodka in the world for this stuff to make sense.
But that’s OK…as long as you show your work, and explain your thinking, Flat Martini is an acceptable answer.
The occasional cosmo or lemon drop are also good answers to the question, “How was baseball practice?”
See, the baseball field is where Juliana and Joanna will be spending a big part of the next three months. Field practice, batting practice PLUS two games a week. The real fun will be when the boys’ teams play one another (#weareallwinners).
Here’s the worst thing…the signs at the park entrance say, “NO ALCOHOL.” Are you kidding me? Does the Little League not know how much money it would make if the snack bar had a frickin’ liquor license?!? ‘Cause we are walking distance, just sayin. They could make it like a rave or something. We are too old to have gone to raves but we imagine that if a rave were to be at the little league snack bar it would be like this: at 8pm a mysterious line starts up at the back of the snack bar, people jostle for position, parents are actually happier at the end of baseball even though it’s 9pm on a school night.
(End dream sequence here.)
Flat Martini was a little unsure of what to make of baseball practice. The kids didn’t look like they were having that much fun, and that’s what this is supposed to be about. Or maybe the boys had fun at practice, they just didn’t understand why they were posing for a picture with a drawing of…well, we’d like to pretend that they don’t know what that is, but they’ve definitely seen their mommies holding a few of them.
Thanks for reading – and cheers to Flat Martini for visiting!
HA ladies! I seriously can’t stop laughing. That last picture of the boys looking so unbelievably peeved to be holding Flat Martini is awesome. So so awesome.
Thank you ladies for being such amazing hosts to my laminated cocktail of love. Can’t wait to see where he goes next week for his next adventure!