For last week’s Friday Five, I wrote a list of five goals I made for 2013. This week, I decided stop looking forward and take a look back at 2012 – no, not at my accomplishments, low moments, goals, vacations, or any of that kind of personal stuff. No, this week we’re looking at the five things that annoyed me the most during 2012. You know – the annoying songs that won’t go away, the terrible fashion trends, the memes gone wrong.
I actually had trouble coming up with this list (as I often do on Fridays), only this time it wasn’t because I was struggling to think of five things. No, THIS time I had trouble writing the list because there were too many things that annoyed the shit out of me last year.
I hope all five of these find their way into the depths of hell, and stay there.
1. Gangnam Style. Seriously, what the hell is up with everyone loving this video? Sure, the video is kind of funny and I guess the song is kind of catchy (after all, it DOES get stuck in my head) but… I don’t get it. Sure, I absolutly LOVE the “Mitt Romney Style” parody, but honestly that’s because I love any hilarious song about American politics (and come one, Mitt Romney is just a gold mine of jokes). But back to Gangnam Style. I find the song more annoying than anything else, and I’ve heard it a bajillion times in the last couple months – I am SO. SICK. of hearing it. The next person I hear yell “Opa Gangnam Style” better run. And don’t even get me STARTED on the parodies that keep popping up everywhere. Don’t you people have anything better to do?
2. 50 Shades of Grey. This book should probably be renamed “50 Shades of the Worst Piece of Crap I Ever Made 1/4 of the way Through Before Skimming the Rest and Promptly Throwing Up in My Mouth Just a Bit”. Ladies, I have a newsflash for you: POSSESSIVE GUYS ARE NOT CUTE. I literally only made it a few chapters in before wanting to gorge my eyeballs out (and only 50% of that was because of the atrocious writing – seriously, E.L. James, fire your editor). Cristian Grey is the most misogynistic, abusive, vomit-inducing douchbag I’ve ever seen written into fiction whose purpose is NOT to wind up being the serial killer all along (I read a lot of mysteries). I’m not actually sure how this a) got published, b) made the bestseller list, and c) is getting turned into a movie. Especially that last one, because how you turn something with no plot, that is riddled with yawn-inducing attempts at “kinky” sex scenes, and setting womankind back about 100 years into a movie is BEYOND me. Girls, are we really this damaged? Do we really have such low self esteem that we think it’s OK for men to treat us like this guy treats Ana? Because it’s not. And if you’re still not convinced, allow me to introduce you to your very own, personal, Cristian Grey:
Oh Jack, you take my breath away!
3. Call Me Maybe Jokes. I love this song. I’ve danced to it more than once in my living room at like 2 a.m. (and by “more than once” I mean, literally, I played it like seven times in a row. On more than one occasion.) I still love this song. No matter how many times I hear it, I never seem to get sick of it. But you know what I AM sick of? Really lame Call Me Maybe jokes. Yeah, some were funny. This one—”Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy – but I just did bath salts: your face looks tasty!”—actually made me snort coke out of my nose. It wasn’t a pretty sight. But the majority of them are so, so, SO bad. And there’s so many of them. And so many people make such terrible Facebook status updates about like, their grilled cheese sandwich, and somehow mush it into that damn song. So, people of the internet, I BEG you: stop with the Call Me Maybe jokes. We’ve beaten that horse to death.
4. Shape Ups. Or really, ANY friggin’ shoe claiming that “JUST BY WALKING IN IT!!!1″ you can tone your ass. Sorry, ladies – but keep dreaming. There are two ways you can get an ass like Kim Kardashian’s. Neither involves a pair of shoes. Unless you count the pair of regular shoes you’ll wear to the gym, two hours at a time, twice a day, seven days a week doing donkey kicks. The other way involves a butt implant. Walking is good for you – I’m not denying that. It’s still being active, and it still helps you stay healthy – but thinking walking will give you the perfect butt is like thinking you can lose weight on a cookies-and-ice-cream diet. And while I’m at it – these stupid shoes (which are also really ugly, FYI) can actually do damage to you if you don’t need them for medical reasons (ie. arthritis). You can sprain your ankle, pull a muscle, or get a stress fracture. So can we please stop fooling ourselves?
5. The Gluten-Free Diet. A GLUTEN FREE DIET IS NOT HEALTHY!!! Phew. Now that I got that off my chest, let me elaborate I’m gluten-free. But I’m gluten-free because I have an intolerance to gluten, which means when I eat it I get really sick and curl up into a little ball in bed and feel like shit for three days. There is nothing wrong, obviously, with being gluten-free for medical reasons (and intolerances and celiacs is on the rise). There’s also nothing wrong cutting back on gluten in your diet: for instance, eating more salads and less sandwichs or pastas. I’m all for healthy eating. But there IS a problem with those people who think eating gluten-free versions of “regular” food is healthy. If you don’t need to be on a gluten-free diet for medical reasons, you SHOULD NOT be eating gluten-free breads, muffins, cakes, etc. In fact, gluten-free products typically are higher in fat and have more sugar and less nutrients than their gluten-y counterparts. If you compare Udi’s Gluten Free Whole Grain bread with Dempster’s 100% Whole Wheat bread (my GF bread of choice and pre-GF bread of choice), you’ll discover that the gluten-free bread has double the amount of fat, nearly the same amount of carbs, less vitamins, less fibre, less iron, and MORE sugar than the regular bread. So if you’re eating gluten-free because you’re jumping on the fad diet bandwagon, stop. Just eat less grains and carbs and replace them with veggies. THAT’S the healthy way to go “gluten-free”.
