I was going to participate in the "30 Days of Gratitude" - I was inspired on Instagram and thought to myself, "FUN! This will be so easy for me!" And it would be. But then I didn't get many "likes" on the couple of posts I did, and I felt resentful about that, and then I realized how narcissistic I was being. I mean, who really cares what I am grateful for? There are a million things I am grateful for, true, and limiting it to just 30 would be difficult for me, but I guess I needed that little reality-check - I'm not that important in the social media world or the real world or just the world. And that's okay. Why do I need to be?
This summer, I had an experience that made me realize how insecure I (still) am. Here I am, in my early 40's (very early, mind you!), and I still don't feel "good enough." I still don't feel "important." I still don't feel like I'm "someone." I also realized how accommodating I am to other people. I will always be the one to put myself last or in a position of lesser power. I thought this is because I am humble, but after reflecting on the circumstances and my feelings, I realized it all comes down to insecurity and the fear of not being "liked." And a little bit of narcissism wants to creep out.
This has been mulling around in my head for months, now. It's interesting how the whole gratitude thing brought it into perspective for me. I work hard not to be narcissistic. I'm hard on myself. I'm way too hard on myself. But I think I come across as snotty. The protective walls I have are actually my inability to be phony. Sometimes I wish I would have been born with the "phony" gene so many people have. I just can't do it. I feel things much too intensely, and I can't pretend to be something or feel something I don't. These walls have caused me so many problems over the years - you would think I would have them fixed by now. But I haven't. I can't stand the people who fool everything into thinking they are so amazing and wonderful when I have witnessed them doing wrong. And being phony. Oh yes - I forgot to mention that part. I'm judgmental, too! Yah - me and you both, right? Everyone is judgmental. The world is one big cesspool of judgment.
But somehow, I am going to have to stop this madness with myself. I'm going to stop judging myself so harshly and start liking myself. Someone gave me a compliment the other day, and I was so embarrassed, I could hardly stand it. This person said, "Why is it so hard for you to take compliments?" And I didn't know. But I thought about it later, and then the gratitude thing brought it into perspective for me. It is hard for me to accept compliments because I don't BELIEVE them. I think they are just trying to be nice. Because I am too hard on myself to believe them, too scared to believe them.
So long story short, I've changed my mind. I'm not going to participate in 30 Days of Gratitude, after all. I am grateful, however, that it inspired me to be a little kinder to myself and to find a bit of clarity. And one thing remains - if there is one thing I strongly believe in, it is in being grateful.
