Diaries Magazine

Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

Posted on the 05 December 2013 by Maggyruth @maggyruth

I’m starting this poem in the middle as the beginning is too raw.

Then came the appointments
and the ultrasound that wasn’t
quite right.
The quiet fury I felt
when the doctor’s staff
kept asking if
I’d started my period yet,
like they knew
some secret that
they refused to
let me in on.

We had named you…
I wasn’t ‘allowed’
to call you
though anyone
who’s been pregnant
knows it’s far from a
symbiotic relationship.

So you were
Pimento Loaf,
if only for a while.

I was afraid because
I didn’t love you
right away.
I was afraid
that was what
caused you to
go away,
even though
I know
it’s not true.

I’m sorry.
When you died
I think
a little part
of me died, too.

You would be
2 years old.
I think of you,
and love you
I hope somehow
that is enough,
but there will
always be
a part of me
that thinks
it’s not.

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