Diaries Magazine

Halloween Contradictions

Posted on the 31 October 2012 by Dpitter @dpitterblog

For Children
Typical Day:  Don’t take candy from strangers. Halloween:  Go take candy from strangers.
Typical Day:  Just be yourself.  You’re great just the way you are! Halloween:  Don’t be yourself, that’s no good.  Be someone different, someone way better and more interesting than you’ll ever be.
Typical Day:  You’re too young to wear make-up. Halloween:  Hey, you’re young, put on make-up.
Typical Day:  Don’t eat too much sugar. Halloween:  EAT SUGAR!!
Typical Day:  Come inside once it gets dark, I don’t want you wandering the streets. Halloween:  Go outside once it gets dark, and wander the streets.
Typical Day:  Here, eat an apple, it’s good for you. Halloween:  Don’t eat that apple, it might not be good for you.
Typical Day:  Don’t take that pillowcase outside. Halloween:  Here, take this pillowcase outside.
Typical Day:  Candy is not good for you. Halloween:  Is that all you got?  Go out and get more candy!
Typical Day:  Can you please pick up some eggs on your way home from school? Halloween:  Hey Bucko, where do you think you’re going with those eggs?
For Adults
Typical Day:  Don’t dress too provocatively, you need to look respectful. Halloween:  Pfft… that’s not nearly slutty enough!  You need to show more skin!
Typical Day:  I hope the weather is nice today. Halloween:  I hope it’s cold and rainy so no kids come to my door.
Typical Day:  Hmmm… chocolate is on sale… oh I better not… Halloween:  Hmmm… maybe I better buy another couple boxes of these little chocolate bars, just in case an unexpected busload of children show up at my door.  It could happen you know.  It could.
Typical Day:  This pumpkin will be a nice fall decoration on my porch. Halloween:  If I catch that little prick that smashed my pumpkin on my driveway, I’m going to wring his freakin’ neck!!
Typical Day:  It will be a cold day in Hell when you’ll see me wearing those green tights. Halloween:  Honey, do you remember where I put my green tights?
Typical Day:  Let’s turn on some lights, it’s too dark in here. Halloween:  Turn off the lights!  If the neighbourhood kids don’t think we’re home, maybe they won’t ring the doorbell.
Typical Day:  Rocky Horror Picture Show is a weird movie. Halloween:  “Let’s do the time warp again!!!!!!”
Typical Day:  It’s not okay to scare small children. Halloween:  I’m gonna scare the shit outta those little fuckers!!  It’s gonna be awesome!!

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