This time last year
I thought everything was finally working out
I thought the days of heartbreak
of needles
of scans
of being alone in the doctors, crying my eyes out and wishing I had someone by my side to hold me
were finally over
I smiled celebrating my first mothers day pregnant,
and what I thought would be my last mothers day before having a child of my own…
now I’m looking at papers separating our assets
everything i own in a small 3 x 3 room
my body broken
my heart empty
and i find myself back to where I was thirteen years ago
wondering if anyone will ever love me,
if I’m meant to be alone forever
now with the added baggage of being infertile and divorced
no assets to my name
This time five years ago
I was alone in a hospital room
watching The 100, in a blackened room – my only daily contact was with the cleaning lady and nurses who begged me to get out of bed, open my blinds and embrace the fact I was alive…
Instead I was crying on the daily while being switched to medication to save my life
I didn’t understand how I was meant to go on
Why i was using this substance to get through any given day
I felt like a failure, like I was on the precipice of the rest of my life or my early death.
Some days I stand here
and I know the medication is still saving my life time and time again
but I wonder if it would have been better to have succeeded one of those countless attempts
because as happy as I am to be free
to be unleashed like a bird from a cage
part of me knows this feeling won’t last
I’ll get jealous of the nests around me and wonder why I can’t have that
I’ll wish I had little birds of my own but know that mine will never hatch
I’ll wonder if anything is worth it, and what my legacy will be with no one to carry on my name
and each time someone wishes me a happy mothers day
I’ll forever respond
‘thank you… but I don’t have a mother, and I’ll never be a mother’
and I’ll say it as if it’s a joke
a reality I’m fine with accepting
but part of me will always be a bit sad, a bit broken and a bit lost
Wishing for things I have no control over
Advertisement
