This was intentional, obviously. I felt that everything I needed to say and process through had been said and I was finding myself increasingly frustrated by the fact that I didn't seem to be making any progress, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if a blogger posts the same things over and over and over again on their blog day after day after day...it gets kind of boring pretty quick. So I turned my processing internal.
A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with a friend a bit about how I was doing. I'm doing pretty much how I've been doing for these entire two months. Some days I am incredibly well. I'm happy, I'm carefree, I'm laughing and joking and not worried about this. I'm my "normal self." And other days, the pain seems so intense that it seems like no time has passed at all. The slightest thing can set me off and suddenly I'm a puddle of tears all over again. And I never know what a day will look like when my alarm goes off in the morning.
During the course of this conversation, she asked me a question.
"What is he?" she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"What's his title? You know...there's the Boy Who Smashed Your Heart and the Boy Who Broke Your Heart. So what's his title?"
The question gave me pause and I had to think about it for a minute.
"He's just Office Boy," I finally said.
Because, really, that's all he is. That's all he's ever been.
With the Boy Who Broke My Heart, he went from being a guy to being a guy who had obviously been a jerk. He up and stopped talking to me with no explanation, started dating another girl (with my same name, mind you) three weeks later, and nine months later completely refused to acknowledge that we were ever anything more than friends. Plain and simple, he was a jerk. He went from being who he was to being the Boy Who Broke My Heart and when I got frustrated about the situation or felt like I was making no progress and it was stupid that I still liked him, I was able to grab hold of the fact that, it didn't matter if I still like him, because he was a jerk.
Similarly, with the Boy Who Smashed My Heart, after a couple months of separation, during which he led me to believe that, despite complications and other stuff, he was still interested which kept my heart involved, unceremoniously told me that he was dating someone else in a Costco food court. And then, several months later when I told him I could no longer be his friend, he still tried to manipulate me by tugging at feelings. Again, when I was trying to get over him and dealing with the pain of that loss, I could grasp onto his jerkiness and pull myself out of my hole of grief just a little bit more.
With Office Boy, I can't do that.
I have nothing to grab hold of that makes processing this any easier. Because, despite the fact that he broke up with me, he treated me incredibly well through our break up process and continues to do his best to make this easier for me.
The day after he broke up with me, he sat on the phone for 45 minutes and told me that I was the most amazing person he'd ever met and he was so glad to have known me and that he would rather hurt his parents than hurt me. So rather than having something tangible to hold onto to pull me out of this frustrating, grief-filled situation, I'm left with the question how do you get over someone who still thinks the world of you? How do you get over someone who, while doing one of the "jerkiest" things possible, still somehow made you fall more in love with him just by how he treated you through the process?
When we had our final, in person break up conversation, he sat there and talked about all of these things that he realized needed to take place that hadn't in order for us to really work out. And as he listed all these things, he kept telling me that he was an awful person, that he was tethering me down without me even realizing it, and that he's the last person on earth who deserves to be with me. And he had no idea that by recognizing the changes that needed to be made and manning up about those things, he was showing me just how much character he does have, just what an amazing guy he is, and how any girl would be incredibly lucky to have him.
A lot of people think that my view of Office Boy is skewed, and maybe it is. But it's not skewed just because I love him. I get the whole "blinded by love" thing, but that's not what this is about.
Throughout our relationship, I saw a different side of Office Boy that no one else really got to see, because he hides it. But I somehow brought it out in him. And he is the one that told this to me. And so, as a result, I am aware that my view of Office Boy is different than the view of many of our coworkers, and my friends. They don't see what I see in him because he never showed that to them.
But I saw it. And the person that I saw amazed me. The Office Boy I know is funny, kind, sweet, caring, genuine, ridiculous, smart, resourceful, loyal, and hardworking. But he claims he wasn't always like that when he wasn't around me and as much as he thinks that kind of permanent change is impossible or that there's no way it could happen any time soon, I know that's not necessarily the case.
I saw the potential for the absolutely amazing person that Office Boy can be all of the time to everyone and that is who I fell in love with. And throughout our entire breakup, that is the person who kept shining through, because whether Office Boy realizes it or not, that's who he really is, deep down inside.
And so, as I sit in my hole of grief (to continue the metaphor from earlier), I'm finding myself stagnant and stuck, because I don't have anything to grasp onto to pull me out. I don't have a rope of "he's a jerk" to get me closer and closer to healing. All I'm left with is memories of an amazing guy that I adore who has no idea how absolutely amazing he is.
I know he's going to read this, and that's part of the reason I'm posting this. I thought long and hard about whether or not it was a smart decision to actually post this online, but I feel it's important for me to articulate these thoughts and for him to read them.
Office Boy doesn't believe in himself. All he sees is the person he is, not the person he can be, the person I saw. He doesn't realize how much amazing work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life and, as much as he says change isn't going to happen any time soon, I know Jesus can do whatever the heck He wants. I don't believe that God is just going to drop the work He's been doing in Office Boy's heart over the last several months, and I fully believe that one day it will come to fruition. It is possible that it won't be any time soon, but it will be in God's timing, not in Office Boy's or in mine. If God wants that change to happen in ten years, it'll happen in ten years. If He wants that change to happen in ten days, it'll happen in ten days. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I spoke with Office Boy on the phone last week. He told me that he wishes I would stop caring about him and I told him that that's just not going to happen. Even if I wanted to, I can't stop caring about him because even if he happens to be a jerk on one random day, I know that that's not who he really is deep down. And I'm just waiting for the day for Jesus breaks through and Office Boy and subsequently the whole world gets to see the man that I fell in love with.
I'm not necessarily holding out hope that things will work out for us. There's a part of me that wishes that, yes, and I think there's a part of me that will wish that until I reach a point where I am no longer in love. There's a part of me that wants The Saga of Office Boy to have a happily ever after. There's a part of me that's holding out hope that we'll survive this because my parents did and my sister did. I know that may not be the case, and I'm slowly working through what that means for me moving forward.
The way I explained it to my friend is that with the Boy Who Broke My Heart and the Boy Who Smashed My Heart, the door is closed and there is a brick wall built up over it. I will never open those doors again, unless Jesus does something ridiculous and brings a wrecking ball in. The door with Office Boy may end up that way some day, but for now, there's no brick wall. The door is closed for the time being. It may reopen again. Or a brick wall may go up. I don't know which one yet. But regardless of what our future may or may not be, he will always be Office Boy.
He will always be the confusing guy who put a whole punch on my desk, the witty guy who could easily beat me at my own game when he tried, the concerned guy who drove out to the scene of my car accident to make sure I was okay, the sweet guy who took me out on my birthday, the goofy guy who can always make me laugh with his kid-like antics, the sensitive guy who was concerned when I freaked out at the ending of Serenity, the wonderful guy who loved me and didn't feel bad about it, the amazing guy who caused me to remember that even if the Boy Who Broke My Heart and the Boy Who Smashed My Heart couldn't see it, I'm amazing.
Office Boy and I may have broken up, and yes, it's been, and will continual to be, a painful journey. But the difference is, even through our break up, he proved to be the man that I have spent the last year getting to know. He didn't change because suddenly things weren't working out. He was still who he has always been to me.
It's possible that one day, years from now, Office Boy will be nothing more than a memory. We may be friends for a while and eventually fade from each other's lives. In ten or fifteen years, the days that seem so monumental now may pass without a second thought. I may smile when I see a Corgi or watch Ghostbusters, and remember him, and that's all that may be of Office Boy in my life in twenty years. But that doesn't matter, because in all of our closest interactions, Office Boy was always the same, always wonderful. And that's why, regardless of what happened, he was, still is, and will be...just Office Boy.
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