There’s nothing like an eye-catching headline to draw you into reading a news story, right? That’s why I’m providing you with some Headlines from my House.
However, no stories are attached, only because I don’t want to incite jealousy as to how absolutely exciting my life as a swinging single gal really is.
HEADLINE NEWS
Plot to Kill Spider with Foot Foiled by Thought of Spider Guts on Foot
Brilliant Editorial Composed in Shower Vanishes Upon Turning Off Water
Glasses Thought to be Lost Found Safely on Owner’s Head
Poll Reveals Advice from Ozzy Osbourne More Reliable than from Dr. Oz
Citizen’s Arrest Nabs Perp Using “flusterated” in a Sentence
Brain of Woman Wearing OveGlove Divorces Her After She Grabs Pan with Hand Not Wearing OveGlove… Again
Creature Under Birdfeeder Thought to be Rabid Badger Revealed to be Overfed Rabbit
Campaign to Launch Acronym for ‘So Happy It’s Thursday’ Losing Momentum
Mensa Letter ‘Lost in Mail’ After Woman Finds Keys in Freezer
Study Confirms 12 Years of Life Spent Looking for Matching Tupperware Lids
Final Jeopardy Question Answered Correctly; No Witnesses
Fashion Police Arrest Woman Found on Couch, in Pajamas, Eating Garlic Hummus on Friday Night
Decapitated Cat Toy Found Behind Couch; No Plans to Remove Body
Stepdad Contracts Flu. Mom Requests 6-pack to Help Deal with Stepdad Afflicted with “Man Flu”
Owner in Contract Discussions with Dustbuster in Effort to Improve Performance
Michigan Woman, 31, Cites ‘I have to shovel again’ as Reason for Insanity. Judge Accepts Plea
Bird Found Eating Worm in the Afternoon; Myth Busted
Wanted: Body Double to Stand in at Work; Must Resemble 12-year-old-boy and Excel at Feigning Enthusiasm and Productivity
Rug Burn on Elbows Healing Nicely Week After Diving Behind Couch Upon Hearing Doorbell
Missed Connections: You had snacks
After Unsuccessful Attempts at “Tear here,” Bag of Steamable Vegetables Slated to be Opened with Teeth
Planned Productivity Delayed Due to ‘Joan and Melissa’ Marathon
Rare Triple Axle Performed After Tripping Over Cat; Cat Not Impressed
SWF Seeks Anything to Love as Much as She Loves Pesto
After Witnessing Large Number of Adults Failing to Follow Directions, Kids Given More Credit
Squirrels Picket Outside House; Demand Variety in Local Seed Offerings
Shopper Leaves Target Having Spent Less than $20; Parade Thrown in Her Honor
Writer Attempts Humor with Blog Post; Pulitzer Prize Safe for Now
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Your turn. Give me a Headline from your House.
