Boss: “We needed to do something to cut the bottom line…”
…This is maybe the second thing Boss said to me, when he arrived three hours late to work, my first day back from Vacation.
Me: “As in…?”
Boss: “You’re booking Spokane now. And also, Idaho.”
Me: “So we aren’t doing the Spokane remote office.”
Boss: “Nope. Oh, and also…the Vancouver Manager quit while you were gone. So you’ll have to help the new guy figure some stuff out.”
Me: “Can you maybe be a little more specific?”
Boss: “Yeah. Teach him how to do the job.”
Me: “Remotely.”
Boss: “Right.”
Me: “…While I catch up on the $47,000 in orders you didn’t process while I was gone, plus book all of Eastern Washington and Idaho.”
Boss: “…But I brought you whiskey.”
(He plops it on my desk.)
Me: “…Which is great if I didn’t have like fifty-thousand things to do right now…”
(He cracks it open.)
Me: “Also…it’s not even noon yet…”
(He tosses one back, clean.)
Boss: “I’ll be in my office.”
(He takes the bottle with him.)
…And this is how my Monday went. It just got better from there…the more buzzed he got.
[Around 1 PM]
Boss: (Singing from his office.) “…No I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”
Me: (From my office.) “Can you maybe not sing so loud? I’m on the phone and things…”
Boss: “…No I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”
Me: Seriously!
(He chuckles.)
…You guys, it’s taken me three days to stop hating him enough to find the “funny” in this shit, and actually write it down. Also…HE NEEDS to FUCKING LEARN MORE OF THAT SONG’S LYRICS. For three SOLID DAYS, it’s all he’s been hollering. Non-stop.
[Around 3 PM]
Me: “What is it with you and that song…why do you keep yelling that?”
Boss: “I totally relate, is all.”
Me: “Cuz you’re a 22 year-old pop-it Country superstar from Nashville?”
Boss: “Yes. And I’m gonna make you a CD of it to remember me by…”
Me: “No.”
Boss: “…Or a mash up, with that one Kelly Clarkson song…”
Me: “–I don’t want it.”
Boss: “Over a House beat.”
Me: “–Go away.”
Boss: “…And I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”
Me: (Yelling.) “YOU AREN’T EVEN SINGING IT RIGHT!!”
(He stands there in the doorway and grins.)
Me: “What.”
Boss: “…It’s good to have you back, you know?”
Me: “I’m sure it is.”
Boss: “You missed this. Come on. Admit it.”
Me: “I will quit and leave all this work, if you say one more word. I swear to you.”
(He disappears back into his office. At some point, I get up to go pee. When I come back, a shot of whiskey is sitting beside my computer. I think of all the work I’ve done today, and how little I get paid for it, and how he’s getting a bonus that I earn him every month, so he can sit there Facebooking and drinking whiskey all day, while singing pop songs. Badly. I shoot the drink.)
Me: (From my office.) “This doesn’t mean we’re friends, you know.”
Boss: (From his office.) “… … … AND I’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”
…You guys…sometimes, it’s just too much.
~D