On Tuesday, day two of the holidays, I already decided that I needed to take action. I have not been myself for around three months. I made an appointment with the GP and on Thursday I went and chatted about how I was feeling and how my anxiety seems to be in the driving seat most days. I spoke with him about my love of guided meditation and mindfulness and how even these usual tactics no longer seem to be working. He listened tentatively and was impressed how I had taken all the right steps to try and overcome my anxiety. He felt that there was no need for me to be referred to the well-being service as I was already using the self-care techniques that they would teach and suggested I tried a mild anti-depressant.
Medicated for anxiety with an anti-depressant. Hearing those words I thought I would crumble, that all my hard work was for nothing, that I would have to go down this medicated route that I had been trying so hard to avoid. What I actually felt was relief. Surprising relief. Relief that I was now on a path where there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, that I will finally be on top of my anxiety.
To be honest, I've not really discussed this with many people and I don't feel comfortable writing these words. But I have candidly written about my struggles with my anxiety and feel it's only right that I write about this next chapter of my journey.
Day two and weirdly I feel like a fog has lifted. I feel like I can think a little clearer and my head doesn't feel so overloaded - but the physical symptoms of anxiety are still there. In fact, writing this post is giving me heart palpitations. With the tablets that I have been given, this is normal. Anxiety can become worse during the first week so I'm prepared for this and I know that I may not be able to see much improvement for a few weeks. But it's a step in the right direction and I'm not ashamed of that.
Today the kids and I went for a walk. One of the reasons I made that appointment was for them. I didn't want to feel that constant feeling of being overwhelmed that takes over and makes me snap or shout - I wanted to make sure they were getting the best of me. It's funny as a blogger that we are so consumed by capturing moments that we sometimes forget to live in them. So, we walked and found a hidden treasure, literally a five minute walk from our house and it was truly lovely.
I wore my beloved Tula as I knew that trying to keep hold of Henry and the dog may be a mission! Baby wearing for me brings instant calm and for him too. I've always said Tula is filled with magic. So with Henry cuddling up close, Lady (our dog) walking nicely on lead and Darcie filled with a sense of adventure we explored, reflected and observed the beauty around this little spot we had uncovered.
I wish I had brought the big boy camera, but I did have my phone of me so took some quick snaps to capture a little bit of this moment. For the rest of the day, I've just been the old me and it's been refreshing. No snapping and actual patience, though I am very tired (again another side effect) I'm feeling a little more positive than I have in a while.
Mummy B xoxox
