There are a lot of weird things we do around the holidays that wouldn’t be, should I say, socially acceptable any other time of year. People put a lot of pressure on themselves—and reindeer antlers on their cars— to uphold these traditions, which can sap the spirit right out of the season.
Do not end up like drunk Uncle June under the tree.
Well, my festive friends. I’m once again here to offer some tips.
So put on your ugly sweater and pour yourself a cup of alcoholic pancake batter—also known as eggnog—and let’s begin.
Holiday Hints (not From) Heloise
Deck the Halls
First of all, there’s the whole matter of decorations. In a seemingly paradoxical twist, people chop down trees from outdoors like amateur lumberjacks to bring into the house before putting lights from indoors back outside.
I’ll leave exterior illumination to all you Clark Griswolds out there. But when it comes to the inside décor, I suggest it is best done in stages:
1) Binge clean, knowing you won’t want to move the crap off the mantle to dust for at least the next month.
2) Find the fragile decorations in the box labeled “Don’t Set Anything On Top Of” at the bottom of a stack of boxes.
3) Sit on the couch with your beverage of choice, stare at the boxes and hope for a holiday miracle.
4) Hang old socks by the fireplace and then tie foliage—a.k.a. the mistletoe — above a doorway to encourage awkward displays of affection between people who accidently stop there to ask where you keep the good wine.
5) Run out of tinsel for the tree, thread aluminum foil through a shredder. If tree is fake, consider leaving it up all year to avoid having to haul it back out. Decorate it for various holidays. Use the branches to dry out your socks.
It’s Santa!
Speaking of Santa, technically speaking parents are lying, as sitting on the lap of a possible pedophile from the polar peninsula wouldn’t be encouraged in the middle of May when Little Suzy wants a pony.
But much like push-up bras, I fully support this hopeful yet delusional concept. After all, it sounds much better than, “Hey kids! There’s a fat guy with OCD (Making a list! Checking it twice!) employing midgets who will break into your home, eat your food and leave gifts, but only after watching your every move throughout the year!”
Anyway, with Santa comes presents, and with presents comes wrapping. While it’s lovely to have sparkling seasonal paper, sometimes you get stuck in a pinch. In those instances, I suggest using “Happy Birthday” paper and writing “Jesus” after it.
If you’re not religious, write “Rudolph.” After being ostracized for the whole year, let the poor little guy catch a break.
Visions of Sugar Plums
People who normally make nothing more than dinner reservations take to playing the role of Martha Stewart. They give away slightly burned cookies and “traditional family foods” that everyone in the family is sick of after two weeks under the guise of it being a gift.
If you’re not into baking, do not despair! Regift the goodies you’re given, throw flour on your clothes, light a sugar cookie candle and call it good.
Fa la la!
Need a holiday gift? Buy the books!
