Recently a friend told me about her difficult family relationships, and I realized how fortunate I am to have the family I do. Her comments also made me remember how the stress of dealing with Alzheimer’s and end-of-life issues can test and sometimes destroy family relationships.
During the last year or so of Adrian’s life with Alzheimer’s, the stress of caring for him was often too much for me to bear. When I broke down, I sometimes took it out on the people around me, including Adrian.
As things got worse and it came time for more drastic measures—meaning we could no longer manage on our own—the family could not all agree on what should be done.
I was desperate and a bit irrational.
I just wanted out.
Some family were local—my sister and daughter. Some were physically more distant, but very involved—two of Adrian’s sons (my stepsons). And then there was a stepson on the west coast who thought I was a monster.
I was a monster at times. How could I not help but be one under such stress and desperation?
I don’t really know what the west coast stepson thought of me. It is my own projection that he thought of me as a monster, perhaps borne out of my own guilt, and a culmination of many difficult past experiences we’d had with each other.
I don’t know what this stepson really thought because he stopped communicating with me altogether, and did not come to his father’s memorial service.
I get tidbits of news about him and his family through the grapevine, but that’s all. After a year of continuing to send gifts and greetings, unacknowledged, I stopped.
Another of Adrian’s sons seemed to fall apart during these intense final months of Adrian’s life. This son let me down and I let him down.
I remember a phone call where I screamed at him, and another where he screamed at me.
This stepson and I are now closer than ever. I have mourned with him at Adrian’s gravesite more times than with anyone else in the family.
Each year as the grieving process continues, three of Adrian’s sons share their journeys with me, strengthening our ongoing relationship.
Hardship can bring a family together or split it apart.
