I'm almost speechless.
I said almost, don't get too giddy.
Everything you need to make a chunky wool blanket is here! These chunky knit blanket kits are beyond perfect and luscious and sexy and you'll want to hug your blanket and call it Betty. Or Veronica. Or Clara.
Okay. We named our blanket patterns after our Grandma's. Legit. Because we love our Nana's and totally appreciate the art of living life in the slow lane.
Today, I'm keeping it brief, not to be confused with showing you my briefs, which might make things kinda awkward between us.
You and I are more than friends. We are like a really small knitting gang.
AND we have some knitting to do.
I like to party. and by party, I mean knit.
My latest chunky knit patterns that sooooo many of you have been asking for are finally here!! It only took me 43897498457 hours to get the knit collection set up in the blog shop.
I'm an excellent procrastinator.
Knitting unwinds me and keeps me from unravelling << See what I just did there?!
I have a lot of chunky wool blankets in my home.
Like, a lot.
No really, a LOT LOT.
Originally, setting up my blog shop was during my kitchen renovation (kill me.) That was also a time when I constantly felt like throwing a cocktail in someone's face. (Or curling up in a dark corner and crying.) And hello Michaels cancer. Cancer has a way of punching you in the feelings.
It's at these exact times in my life where I read stacks of trashy magazines, binge-watch Netflix shows, write super boring scintillating blog posts + create chunky wool blanket kits ... because the more FUN I pour into my work, the happier my soul becomes. Did I just sound like a corn dog? Don't answer that. It wasn't a real question.
Erhmergerd *drinks vodka from flask in desk drawer.
It takes balls to knit.
Knitters gonna knit. Therefore you are my fave person.
Remember this photo ^^^ that I posted recently on Instagram?
And yes, that's an enormo amount of throw pillows on my bed, why do you ask?
I H A D A R O U G H W E E KI woke up one day a couple of weeks ago and was like... WHOA! I know what I must do. I must put chunky wool blanket kits on my blog. My coffee was strong. In hindsight, perhaps I should have spiked my coffee. Yes. Most definitely. Why the hell didn't I spike it ?!!%$! *throat punches self.
It was also the same week that I decided to make homemade bread crumbs in my blender. Note to self: do not leave lid off blender when making bread crumbs. The struggle was real.
M Y S O C K S T R I E D T O M U R D E R M E
OKAY. This is based on a mostly true story. Some of this actually happened. My socks kicked my ass and took my name.
M Y O R I G I N A L P L A N :I had big plans. A while back, I put on my big girl panties and set out to slay some knitting dragons by duct taping my iPhone to the ceiling for a photo sesh (you are so judging me right now, aren't you?) That's cool. I judged my choices too hahaha *palm hits forehead. I had planned on taking 479847511 photos of the blankets, me and the wool, all happy-like. I was young and stoopid last week.
I know you are secretly-not-so-secretly already laughing at my genius-not-so-genius duct tape contraption. In my defence, I had inhaled copious quantities of motor oil coffee. Coffee clearly gives my unrealistic expectations. What I should have been thinking was...
Step aside coffee. This is a job for alcohol.
Note: missing person in photo above ^^^ !!!!!?#@%
I was dead. Ugh.
Gone. Whooshed. Vanished.
Off my bed. Like a sock loving loser.
W H A T actually H A P P E N E D ...Let's pretend that didn't happen.
My photo sesh started off pretty sweet. I stood on my bed, (hyperventilating from excitement) while duct taping my phone to the ceiling. Oh to be a fly on the wall that day. I bet the flies were even laughing at me.
Enter total gong show.It seemed the harder I worked, the slower things seemed to go. Am I f'n ancient ? I've seen jello move faster. Apparently I'm 102 years old.
I not-so-delicately-nor-lady-like-took-my-phone-off-the-ceiling-while-swiftly-slipping-and-teetering-off-the-edge-of-my-bed-until-I-flipped-in-my-effffing-socks-and-catapulted-directly-and-promptly-while-face-planting-the-floor.
So I cried.I basically had my ass delivered to me.
That's what grown ass adults do. #AmIRite ?
The socks survived. My ego. Not so much. I bruised pretty much every square inch of my body. Including the unmentionables. Damn it. I just mentioned the unmentionables *face palm*
After that fall from grace, my face slightly resembled this-> ?!?!?!?!!!!! I won't tell you who had a bruised ego, so don't even try to guess. It wasn't me. I swear it.
Now I realize blogging isn't a glamorous job, but still. #FML.
Blogging often looks a little like unemployment to your mother and could more accurately be titled "Professional E-Mailer & Couch Potato Who Knits On The Side."
*finds potato chip in sofa cushion*
But I finally did it !!!!!
Drops the mic. Walks off the stage.
{{ Here's everything you need to make a gorgy gorgeous chunky knit blanket }}
1.
S I M P L E = B E T T E R
PATTERNS : I created TWO gorgeous chunky knit blanket patterns for you. I'm telling ya, some knitting patterns can make you feel like a total incompetent loser. Not this one. Or this one. They are ahhhhmaze.
I updated this pattern on the blog to an even more INCREDIBLE pattern with different blanket sizes, knitting tips and secret knitting sauce. The new ebook downloadable pattern is so so so good.
Both chunky knit blanket patterns are instantly downloadable and full of descriptive pics. I don't want to deflate your love tires but the patterns have knitting pics, not Channing Tatum pics. Whaaaa?!!! Pattern Bonus : There are hawt tips like how to join your yarn without weaving or knots! Tie up loose ends? N O P E. There's nothing to tie up. No yarn ends. No tying. OMG OMG OMG OMG.
HINT: every knitter has the potential to unleash this super power. F'REAL. It's super EASY too!
2.
NEEDLES : The circular knitting needles are the lowest price in the history of ever on my blog! Start the car! Start the car! The needles are super versatile. I use them for easily knitting all my chunky knit blanket projects. They are also great for making knit pillows, scarves and any chunky yarn knitting projects.
3.
PS. The colours are d'bomb diggity.
4.
CHUNKY KNIT BLANKET KIT : Good things inside
Didja see all those blanket pics up there in the blog post !? ^^ Told ya, a total beaut. You should totally knit one. For fashion, and for crime fighting. I'm losing my mind over it. It's ridiculous UGH. Dead. I really think you should just go for it.
The chunky knit blanket kits each come with wool, knitting needles, pattern, swag AND free knitting pattern too! Sorry to yell. It's just so good. So so so good.
5.
ACCESSORIES : Pom-poms and tassels are like jewelry for your blanket. They can really make a blanket POP with pow. Erhhhmergerd. Tassels. They are the whole giddy up and go go.
Didja know there are pom pom maker kits? Holy batman. You're gonna be like, ohgawdthankyou. Why have I been winding my wool around toilet rolls for years?!
6.
We need to talk about Macrame. I'm obsessed. Have you tried it? Getting inspired here on Pinterest. OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Being a good knitter is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet
We can do this. And by we, I mean you. Happy knitting!