I often wonder if a stranger met me in the street, or if Loyd Grossman decided he wanted to have a nosey around my home (For those under 30...he was the voice over artist on Through The Keyhole, I'm not just randomly wondering if a pasta chef might decide to break in one day...Ahh having to explain your jokes = #OldLadyProblems) whether or not they would know that I have children.
Upon giving this some thought (Far too much of it actually...I'm quite the procrastinator...), I have decided that yes....yes they would figure it out quite quickly.
Because, when you think about it, all mums have certain "Giveaways".
Yes there are those of us out there who are somewhat more glam and polished than others and it may be harder to spot some of us among the crowds...but I can guarantee you that every single one of us is detectable when you know what to look out for...even Beyoncé when she's on her A game is bound to have a bit of Blue Ivy's dried up snot somewhere on her person...I (almost) guarantee it.
So ...how do you spot a mum?
Here are my top tips:
1) Inspect her clothing
She may have perfectly coiffed hair, her make up may be flawless, and she may even have it together enough to have ironed her top (I couldn't tell you where our iron is for love nor money, or if we actually even own one...but I'm sure some mums iron their clothes...)...but if you inspect her garments carefully you are guaranteed to find one or all of the following:
*Fingerprints...usually either sticky from some kind of chocolate based
* Dried bodily fluid - be it nose goblins, baby dribble, wee from various "accidents" or her own tears...there will be some kind of dried-in secretion down her leggings (or pant of choice...but I seriously had to REALLY think about what possible other kind of bottom-covering ladies wear other than leggings...they are now basically my everyday uniform)
*Stickers and/or Pen art - Very few of us will completely escape the adorning of our bodies and clothing with these things on a daily basis. Giving my son a felt tip pen is guaranteed to mean that I will leave the house ten minutes later looking like I've had a run-in with Amy Winehouse's tattoo artist...and my clothing will ALWAYS look like it's been sponsored by Thomas The Tank Engine due to the fact that I have stickers of every single f**ing engine on places I can't see or reach...such as the bottom of my shoes...or my arse.
2) Take a closer look at the hair and make up
It may look passable at first glance but that's a basic motherhood survival skill...it's only upon closer inspection that the giveaway signs emerge...
Is the foundation blended in at the sides by someone with the spare 3 minutes to ensure that or does it resemble a quickly thrown on mask designed to cover up the 3 years of sleepless nights she's had?
Is that an expensive designer foundation she's wearing that cost half of her months wages or is it actually a suspiciously orange-tinted liquid she's grabbed from the 99p bin at the chemist whilst simultaneously keeping Calpol in business?
Is her hair washed with ACTUAL HUMAN LIQUID SHAMPOO or can you spot that good old giveaway powdery residue of Batiste?
3) Take a look around her home...
For me, once the toys are away and the children are asleep, my house can look pretty passable. But the giveaways are there if you know where to look....So where do you look?:
The Bathroom - everything is nice & orderly, the (unused, obviously, coz I spray-wash my hair these days...) shampoos and shower gels are all lined up neatly in size order.
The clean towels are stacked just so (they're the "for show" ones that my partner is under strict instructions to NEVER USE of course, our actual ones are scrunched up in the corner sopping wet...)...
But there in the corner, amid my sparkly "Wash" sign and my little glass jar of cotton wool, sits one of those crap light-up spinny balls on a stick that some evil man with a bumbag convinces your toddler they MUST HAVE whenever you visit a fireworks display or a show at the theater and charges you £10 for the pleasure.
THERE is the giveaway that a little person is present.
(That and the skidmarks in the loo, the presence of "fun" products designed to try to trick kids into good personal hygiene such as Painting Soap and Fun Coloured Disney Toothpaste!, and the stacked up toilet rolls that are WAY more fun than any amount of megabloks I could buy....)
The Fridge - Even in the most sophisticated of homes, if you check behind the olives and the organic artichoke hearts, you are guaranteed to find various ridiculous food stuffs....Fruit Shoots, Cheese Strings, Dairylea Dunkers, Yoghurt Lollies, Fruit Winders, Chicken nugget smoothies (ok I made that one up but mark my words...it'll be a thing one day...) and all manner of other absolutely ridiculous food-based inventions.
Oh and the front of the fridge itself is a giveaway too...woe betide ANY mother who dares not to display her little darlings art work! WOE BETIDE!
And finally, if you want to be really sure that you've spotted a mum, just check below her eyes...if she looks like she hasn't slept in a while then she's either an insomniac or a mom...
To distinguish which, just check in her handbag...
If you don't find wet wipes, she's definitely not!!! What are your tell-tale signs of motherhood? As always, I'd love to hear from you!
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