Yesterday I was a total rebel. I did something I never ever do.
It isn’t what you think it is. Really.
I am not even sure what you are thinking, but I can guarantee you it’s not that.
It all started when I was about 10 years old…maybe even 8. I think we were at a baseball tournament…we were definitely camping.
My Dad was a baseball coach. Both of my parents played ball for years. Dad carried on with coaching getting kicked out of games which was, I am pretty sure, why we were there.
Now it was 35 years ago…so my memory is vague, but it was something that for some reason I never forgot. It was the start of why I was a rebel yesterday.
I should first tell you, that I have been boy crazy, pretty much since I was five. I was so hard in love with Engelbert Humperdinck that I was certain he was singing only to me and was on his way to find me at any moment.
I kissed this picture on his album…a million times. I knew every single word, to every single song. The song Marry me…was for ME. Seriously.
These were the words…
I’m coming back, back home to you
And I know now for sure that my wandering days are through
I’ve looked around, most every place
But all that I ever see is your lovely face
When I come back,darlingDonna, say you’ll marry me
I want to spend my life with you
A little band of gold for everyone to see
I’ll tell the world if you marry me
But out of mind is out of sight
Didn’t know that your love would be watching me each night
Thought I’d have fun with someone new
But now that I know it is your love that’s so true
When I come back,darlingDonna, say you’ll marry me
I want to spend my life with you
A little band of gold for everyone to see
I’ll tell the world if you marry me
When I come back,darlingDonna, say you’ll marry me
I want to spend my life with you
Except in my head…the word darling….well you get it right??? No one could have told me different. Through the years there have been others, Keith Urban comes to mind. Nevermind the fact I am grown up or whatever this is called, and I know better.
Besides that, I have Bruce. Whom I totally adore, for real, in real life :)
And he would be pissed about me and Keith. Just saying.
So back to the story.
While we were camping, there might have been some baseball player, three times my age, that I decided to take a liking to. It may have been someone on my Dad’s team, but nevermind that…
Somehow, something happened there. I am not sure what…but there was a comment made or something said by someone that insinuated I was a boy.
Now when you are a skinny little girl, with a short boy haircut and a big crush on someone…that is a recipe for disaster. Well, with me it was anyways. Sort of. I am of course being dramatic, because I am a princess. And I can be dramatic if I want to be.
So the first thing that occurred to me, to make him notice me, and want to marry me before Engelbert could come for me, was that I needed to look more like a girl.
I went into our camper, knowing full well, that my Mom…who the men fell over, had something in her makeup and hair stuff that would help me to be beautiful, just like her.
A bobby pin.
I climbed up…looked in the mirror, took my shortie little pixie bangs, and put that bobby pin in my hair, just like Twiggy would have.
I was sure that making that one change would assure everyone I was indeed a girl.
That was probably the first time I remember wishing I wasn’t a gangly, short haired little tomboy.
I usually got over it, or forgot about it…whichever, and I never remember my friends ever being worried about me being a boy.
It always seemed to be the adults. Well to me. At the time.
I was too skinny.
I heard that about 4 billion times when I was growing up…seriously.
Ask my Mom how much I ate, I was a normal kid, who ate normal amounts.
Like any kid, I hated liver and turnips and I didn’t much care for potatoes. I still don’t. But I was high energy.
All. The. Time. Metabolism is a crazy thing.
I am also impatient. So every time I tried to grow my boy haircut out, I would get bored and it would bug me, and I would want it cut.
The next thing I remember about wanting to be more girlie…was shaving my legs. Yup, that’s right, I was probably about 12.
I had hairy legs, lucky me. I am blessed with a shitload of hair on my head, thank goodness, but that also went to my arms and legs.
And once I get something in my head, it’s sometimes impossible for me to forget about it, even now. I decided that to be more feminine I needed to shave my legs. Now most girls just shave to their knees right??? Well, not me. I wanted them totally smooth dammit, and so I took that fateful step, and started shaving them. All the way to the top of my leg.
Now if you have teenage daughters…tell them NOT to do this. Tell them not to shave at all. Life will be far easier, trust me…cause it will grow back. Worse. And you will have to shave forever and ever.
Because you won’t be able to stand the hair growing back long enough to let it actually grow, and the more you shave the worse it will be…you see where I am going with this right?
So yesterday…I had to work. I was tired when I woke up, I had to wash my hair, and dry it, and there wasn’t enough coffee in the world.
So I did the unthinkable.
I didn’t shave my legs…
That’s right, you heard me. For probably only the 10th time, since I was 12…I went with the stubble.
By today, I was nearly suicidal.
I hate having hairy legs. I have OCD. I am a freak.
I know all these things to be true. One other thing I know for sure…doing that small feat every single day of my life, reminds me that I am a girl.
And…
That the baseball player and his friends that had a conversation about whether or not I was a girl or a boy, wouldn’t bother me at all now.
I have a bit harder of a shell, and I don’t care so much what other people think of me.
All that really matters is how we feel in our hearts, and embracing that little tomboy inside me is comforting to me most days now. I know she is still in there, looking for a bobby pin, just so I can show the world who I really am inside. Regardless of what you see on the outside.
It’s just that I don’t try so hard anymore, because anyone that loves me, already knows.