"It has been a long trip," said Milo, climbing onto the couch where the princesses sat; "but we would have been here much sooner if I hadn't made so many mistakes. I'm afraid it's all my fault."
"You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."
― Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
This is a year of transformation for me. Don't get me wrong, I've been transforming in one way or another all of my life. But this is a special year. It is not yet made manifest in the way I think it will, but I can feel it, hovering. Vibrating in the atmosphere, pulsing more assuredly, as I align myself with the peace, power, and the passion of my heart and soul. I am at the threshold of something purposeful, something pregnant with possibility, something puissant. I realize the magic, the potency, and the poignancy of this time. For me. It makes me gasp, hold in my breath. Stay very quiet. I feel the power and the potential in it.
And I'm a bit breathless. And I feel humbled.
Love. Love. Love. Of self, first. Then, others. They are after all, a mirror to our own selves. But in order to best understand them, we have to be willing to gaze deep within our own souls. And of course, not everyone is willing or ready to do that.
But I am. I always have been...trying to get to the bottom of things, as my friend, Cherry would say of me.
"Life isn't meant to be lived perfectly...but merely to be LIVED. Boldly, wildly, beautifully, uncertainly, imperfectly, magically LIVED."
― Mandy Hale
Over this last year, Destiny has seemed to raise the intensity of my learning to a higher tempo. She has increased the velocity and speed of the lessons, by introducing trickster-like situations, people and ideas to me. She has rocked my boat, caught me off-guard, not to play some mean sort of tricks, but rather, to better help me see. Me. More clearly. I have not always been quick on my toes, or even cognizant at some moments. And in some, downright blind.
Now I see how I have been on a whirlwind ride, exhilarated and terrified at alternate moments, running from myself, from an awareness of my very essence, identity and being, in order to forge a denial of myself and my Self. Not intentionally, of course. But here I am. I have found myself at the end of that road, the one where the path ends and you can only go right or go left. And I shudder some.
Even though I am seeing it squarely in front of my eyes, it does not make me less afraid.
"In life, there are no mistakes, only lessons."
― Vic Johnson, Day by Day with James Allen
I want to run and hide. I want to squeeze my eyelids shut, and do the child's "na-na-na-na-na" with hands over ears, to pretend I cannot hear. Or, hold my breath, turning red, in my refusal to receive the knowledge my Deep Self has for me, has held in abeyance for me. Patiently. Gently. Meanwhile, the perfectionist in me has always been terrified of making a mistake, of getting something wrong, of failing. And with that failure, the experience of utter rejection. Denial. Abandonment. The fate of being unloved.
But I cannot fail.
That long and winding road of which we cannot see the end until maybe we are almost upon it, and which necessarily become that crossroads moment we each come face-to-face with at some point in our lives, is mercifully lying in wait, without expectation, for whichever direction I choose. I am learning that either way, it will be beneficial for me, for where I am at this time of my life.
"may my faith always be
at the end of the daylike a hummingbird...returning
to its favorite flower."― Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence
I cannot choose wrong, only delay what is ultimately for good, for my life. I am working in concert with my Deep Self, my ever-expanding awareness and wisdom. As I glean the bigger picture, I see how I am loved. Really and truly loved. That for me, this life is not a chaotic mess of which I am mercilessly tempest-tossed and disregarded, or diminished and demeaned. That whatever I thought all this time, concluded long ago, was composed of faulty reasoning. I never knew.
I am a hummingbird. I hover over my life, sustaining my momentum as I fly forwards and backwards, upside down or right side up, as needed. I endure while I extract the nectar of life from the experiences I have had (am having). As I learn to surrender to the call and direction of my soul, I have learned to trust that I am being guided rightly, by responding with forward movement.
Feel the fear and do it anyway, they say. Yes, but..., I say.
Do it! they compel.
And then in the next moment, and the one after that, I step over, and off of the cliff of the unknown, willing to be obliterated.
Or, maybe, to fly.
© 2019. Egyirba High. All Rights Reserved.
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