"The more of me I be,
The clearer I can see."
- Rachel Archelaus
I strive to be clear, not only for myself, but for others. I want to make sure I am not misunderstood. It is some need that began early on in order to protect myself from the anger of others. Then, too, having to explain and explain and takes up so much energy. Fatigue. So, to avoid that, it's just better if I can make myself as clear as possible, sooner than later.
Yet, clarity is so important, especially as a long-range personal goal. The more clear I can become, the more I am able to see into myself from an impossible kind of distance. Then I gain more clarity. Stepping back to gauge myself from a distance is not so easy. It requires a bravery that may only come out of desperation-out of realizing that after umpteen times, the same-ol' is not going to work. Desperation, then, can force one to yield to that space from which a birds eye view of the bigger picture is possible. If we want to get that naked, become that vulnerable with ourselves, we open the door to possibility. A little distance from the ego is a good thing. Takes us out of our absorption, allows us to refocus and rethink. Brings a little more clarity.
I have spent a lot of years trying to be many things to many people, seeking approval from those who mattered most. In the process, I lost an awareness of myself, who I was and who I wanted to be. Now in this third chapter of my life, I am peeling back the layers and in the process rediscovering the "more of me". It's a wondrous thing. I have finally given myself permission to be okay with me. I have stopped seeking approval in all the wrong places. Maybe it took all these years but I am happy to be rediscovering who I was and who I can yet still be. I have more clarity now than I ever had at 20, 30, or 40. I almost can't wait to see what I will have garnered by the time I am 70, 80, or 90.
© 2015, 2019. Egyirba High All Rights Reserved
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