I’m an Anti-dachshund

So last year I had a weird breakdown/epiphany and I feel like it was such a healthy thing to go through and its lead me on to a really cool path. Bear with me on this shit show.

So I was getting ready to go out with my baby person and I set out clothes for us. I put his jeans on top of mine for a second while I sorted his socks and I noticed that there’s about an inch difference in waist between his jeans and mine. It properly snapped my brain in two. I started crying instantly, I just went from normal to 100% feeling shit about my body real fucking quick. How was I a 25-year-old woman married and with a child with such a pointless body? Everyone said when I got married I’d fill out - I did a bit but not much. Then I got pregnant and had a baby - still nothing. When I complain I can’t gain those precious lbs to fill out my frame I get met with shit like:BOO HOO FOR U ITS HARDER BEING A BIG GIRL EVERYONE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE YOU. EAT MORE HAVE TAKEAWAYSSHUT UP SO ATTENTION SEEKING But the thing is I’m small. Like really small, my body measurements are that of an average UK 9-10 year old child. Like I said  I’m really fucking small. With those jeans I was having it really thrown in my face that I am not a woman. I am not feminine. I cannot be attractive. And it really hit me hard. Like I mean  train-carrying-trucks hard. It really broke my heart because I had been fighting myself and others for years that I was womanly because I was a woman so how could I not be?I had a few weeks where dressing myself was genuinely distressing and I just hated looking at myself. I let this deep self hatred set in and it was really unhealthy. At some point I was looking at my baby and I just had this terrible thought that he could ever feel the way I do because of my actions. Children emulate what they see so much and usually I’m so sensitive to that. I try so hard to make sure he sees me comfortable with natural self so he doesn’t have a foundation of self hatred, it’s not normal for him to see it or feel it in the hope that in the future he will be less sensitive to the pressures of society regarding how we look. I realised I was potentially harming my child and his development. I resolved in that instant to stop and just get the fuck on with it. I decided I was going to accept that my body was little and just fucking wear clothes. No more trying to find clothes to fit in the adults sections full well knowing that I wouldn’t find anything. I went to stores that I knew did kids clothes that pretty much mirrored the women’s section but just in smaller sizes. I started looking at outfits and looks that I felt reflected me. Around the same time my partner replaced his entire wardrobe and seeing him looking so well put together made me even more determined to find my style and dress well. I was letting down the side, my baby was always dressing bright and happy and my partner was sporting that cool dad look. I, on the other hand was still trying to make outfits from clothes that didn’t fit from my maternity and postpartum eras, nothing I wore looked right and nor did it suit me. I was wearing clothes for the sake of not being nude when I could have been using them as a form of self expression. I began revamping my wardrobe. I bought skirts - short skirts, the kinda skirts I had always been afraid to wear because of what people might say or think. I got tops that clung to the curves I do have. I got jeans that I had wanted forever but just never been brave enough to buy. I bought dresses and bikinis that made me feel awesome about the body they were being worn by. And almost of my clothes were from the kids section. Newlook’s Generation do some lovely items and the 9-10 aged stuff fit amazingly. H&M’s Divided provided dresses, jeans and skirts. I even managed to find a size 4 coat that only needs slight alteration in my favorite colour- YELLOW. Actually I wear a lot of color now. I’ve not worn so much color for years - deep reds, dark green, bright yellows and beautiful mustards. I wear black and gray but I now prefer to wear color in my outfits. I’m in love with fishnets lately too and knee high socks they make me look taller - I have a stumpy little torso but weirdly long legs, I’m like an anti-dachshund. That’s my body shape. It’s fucking hilarious. The sense of self that having an exterior that matches my interior gave me is fucking unreal.Recently I started wearing makeup again too. It’s been a ball trying to figure out how I want to wear my eyeliner and shape my lips. I have a desperately lopsided face which I assume comes from being a premature child and being nourished by a diet of pizza in the womb (so I’m told) but I can balance it out with a little contour and shaping. I still have my thick brows, which to this day I love - fuck y’all who tease me for them. I wear the dark lipsticks I was never allowed to wear - blacks and plums, sometimes a nude lip. I wear my eyeliner that makes my eyes look less round and young - less Disney Princess, more Disney Villain. I’m tryna be a grungy, soft goth mom with an edge of risqué. Basically, a grown up emo. I am fucking living for it. I have a curated wardrobe with versatile pieces that can be worn throughout the year, dressed up or down and suits flawlessly. I look older too which is a plus because I really hate getting ID’d trying to buy ibuprofen and antihistamines, it’s just ridiculous. I find it makes me feel more confident too. I walk taller, but then that might just be the stilettos - whatever it may be it makes me happy. This year I’m determined to feel banging about myself because I deserve to. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am as a person and my body is more than its measurements. It deserves my respect and to be dressed like the GAWDESS it is. It carried, birthed and nursed a child - that alone deserve my respect. So wear what makes you feel good and if no one has complimented you lately on a fashion choice or new thing you’ve tried look wise here you go:BEEEEEECH U LOOK GOOD AS ALL FORSAKEN HELL. THERE ARE BIRDS SINGING AND RAINBOWS EMANATING FROM UR SOUL. FUCK IT UP U GAWDESS. Love and fuckery,Monica

               xxx