Let me rephrase this: I'm not unhappy, I'm just not feeling joy as I used to.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my blessed life. In all honesty...With all the dips, downs, and moderate highs, I am in a better place than a lot of folks....and I recognize that.
But yet, I can't seem to be really happy. As in, beyond-the-smile-that-everyone-sees-happy.
Before you diagnose me with depression or a chemical imbalance, I'll remind you that I am pretty quick to see a therapist when my lows are going to a scary place.
But it's not that.
I'm in a place in my life where things that should be "no big deal," are. Where things that should bother me to the core of my soul, slip off my shoulders.
I'm a walking, breathing "irony."
I couldn't figure what has been going on with me, but then a friend, that happens to be a life coach, posted this on her Facebook wall:
I normally skim through these things. Today I didn't.
I took the test.
After a few minutes, the results popped on my screen:
I'm an "ISFJ," or a "nurturer" according to the C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers personality test.
I've taken this test before. The results were different the first time around.
"The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others." - Personality PageI wonder if my "I'm not happy" phase has something to do with my ISFJ personality, or if the results are the cause of the "I am not happy" phase?
There's articles, upon articles, expert opinions and blog posts about this very topic: falling victim to the "I should be happy" syndrome.
Yes, folks - it exists! There's folks like me that push themselves to be happy...All. The. Time.
But then we break.
My breaking point has been the lack of vacation this summer. Lacking a vacation, heck a weekend away that is not work related, has thrown me for a hissy fit. Plans that I was looking forward to were canceled, and it seems that everyone around me is seriously sick or dying.
None of these life events are directly related to anything I've done, but they seem to bundle together and cloud any bit of good news. Or encourage me to hide.
Honestly, hiding is my coping mechanism.
A further look at my personality test results, and the "Science of Being Happy," and it all makes sense now.
It's ok that I am not happy. I need to be here right now to move back to my happy space.
I need to honor myself and be true to the feelings that I have.
In a sense, my mind is battling the steps I'm taking to being self aware and practicing self love.
Personal growth can make you question your life, as you push your way towards becoming a better version of you.