"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever."
― Alfred Tennyson
"You're an emotional fool," he said, before he retreated and stopped talking to me. It threw me for a loop. I didn't understand the critique. It was meant to offend, to push back, but I was confused by the accusation. My deeply feeling nature has always been an important part of my identity, and one of the things I most love about myself. That he hurled it at me that way hurt me, and made me feel he didn't know a thing about me.
It was the last time I fell in love. And oh, how I loved him! Truly. Madly. Deeply.
From that experience, I well learned that I didn't want anyone who doesn't want what I want in love, life, and relationship. I can't cultivate relationships with those who can't see the glass half-full like I do. This is especially critical and true for me now, and given my plentiful experience. Plus, I'm nobody's option. No minimal, one-sided relationships or connections can be tolerated. As Stephanie Mills sang, "I've Learned to Respect the Power of Love."
But. I've also learned far too many lessons about devaluing myself from my many dives into love's wading pool, to skinny dip in shallow waters.
In times past, I would have run screaming into someone else's arms after such an end. But like I said, I've learned far too many lessons to fill up the empty space, and try and find a replacement. After this one, I'd rather be alone.
"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I love love. I believe in love, the kind that begins in the Divine, and moves through and out into the world. I long to connect that love-line in me into a matching socket, and nowhere else. Besides, as we move into 5-D and a new day, I don't think any of us can really afford to cultivate meaningless, empty, intimate connections. Such careless, casual intimacies are too invasive, and we too precious to spread ourselves around willy-nilly. That attitude was for the sixties and the days of 'free love'. We were seeking to find ourselves and bust out of limiting traditional and restrictive conditioning. But in the interim, we learned through experience and things like AIDS, (at least, in principle), that that most personal, most magical of exchanges is not just flesh to flesh, but spirit to spirit. After the many TV commercials which assured that not only were you sleeping with him, but his last ten partners, I was horrified. To me, that is a violation the thought of which frightens me like a horror movie. Besides, not only is there danger of STDs [sexually transmitted diseases], but also STDs [sexually transmitted demons]. Thank you, but no.
And, not everyone deserves my presence. I wouldn't dream of extending myself, just to extend myself. I know what I want. Riffraff not invited. High vibes only, please.
The deepest love is where spirit meets flesh and magnifies the Divine Beloved through it...as tribute.
There is a place in my heart where he still lives. Will forever. No one ever stepped into that space with the razzle-dazzle and panache that he did. The blur left me dizzy, and I am still shaken. But I am as fearless about love as ever. I know I need not jump, skip, hop, nor run, nor seek hither, thither, or yon for it. That which I am seeking is already seeking me. It will find me.
I know I will have it.
The more we ascend, the thinner the veil gets. We get to see just how much a part of the All-Life we are. Love has more meaning, and life's value is more magnified because of it.
I treasure real love. And I've learned a lot.
Instead of fall, I now rise in love.
© 2019. Egyirba High. All Rights Reserved.
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