I Think

I think I want to die

I think I’m at a point where I can’t see any sunshine, any hope of happiness or a future where I am smiling infinitely

I think you were the last person to make me happy

The last person to make me feel like maybe I was worthy of love and affection

But as soon as I felt you pulling away

As soon as I began to realize I could no longer keep your desire,

And you started to put me into that friend zone

I realised I no longer knew what I have to look forward to

I’m lost and drowning

I used you as an anchor to soon and too quickly and in turn I sunk any chance we ever had at a relationship

I am lost and drowning

Searching for a beacon of light and instead I keep getting smashed by waves as dark as the place my mind goes when my medication runs out and I forget I need a daily dosage of happiness to keep me going

And I feel like these waves lately are just getting larger and hitting harder

And I’m watching everyone pass by, on smooth seas in fancy yachts

Watching me drown as I gasp for air, but knowing I’m too far away for any chance of a life saving device to help me

So they just watch and remark, thanking the gods they safe and dry on their comfortable boats, ships and yachts. Sometimes pitying, other times floating by and wilfully ignoring.

Because the truth is as loud as fog horn, blaring for all to hear yet, some days not as loud as others. Today it’s the loudest it’s been in a long time. Today it blares that unbearable warning, that what lies beyond the fog and mist is a fate I tried to avoid hitting.

The fog will soon clear and the waves will stop pushing me away. Everything will be calm for a split second and in that moment, I’ll finally give up and finally give in.

We all know that one day that future will finally come, where I find peace in my decision.

That one day, soon, I’ll finally stop thrashing and fighting just to keep my head above water

That I’ll just let the ocean take my body and bury me in the depths

Because I’m so tired of always feeling like every day is a struggle

Every joyous moment is short lived

Everyone leaves

And I’m left treading water, gasping for air, begging for an island to appear and a helpful wave to push me ashore to safety

And it all just feels like it’s only a matter of time before I give up the struggle

Before I accept that my legs are as tired as my heart, always hoping for something solid

I have parts of me that have been torn out, my body is shredded and left bruised and battered

My brain is waterlogged

My heart is slowing as it drowns in salt water

And I think,

I think I’m finally ready to stop treading water

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