After battling depression for the first year after my son was born, I decided to start working on creating happiness for myself instead of waiting for it to find me. For quite some time I consumed things to fill myself up to be happy -- relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, clothes, any other kind of tangible item that only provided temporary satisfaction. After giving birth I was suddenly faced with a complete loss of freedom as well as body image issues that bubbled up to the surface with my post baby belly. I kept wanting to go back in the past and fix whatever was broken so that I could be happy. I was also at the time agnostic because I knew I had some kind of belief in something else out there but I couldn't quite define what it was. I still can't quite define what it is, but I have a much stronger grasp of the ideals and principles behind my spirituality that guide me and motivate me in life. I had to search within myself to create happiness because expecting it from other people or things was not going to work. I constantly set myself up for failure by expecting people and things to make me feel better when it was my own self that was creating the misery I was experiencing. I was always a "cry baby" and a complainer. Literally nothing in my life could completely satisfy me, and I always found a way to be disappointed by the outcomes of a situation. When I suddenly couldn't get up and go to hang out with my friends, or even get up and take a shower for more than 5 minutes I was miserable. I felt so restricted to my home taking care of an infant but at the same time left alone with only myself for companionship. I felt lonely and isolated, and angry with myself and life for not thinking things through when I had the chance. Overall, I was just in complete misery. 
I can honestly say now that I rarely have days like that anymore. i realize now that my life has changed forever and it can't go back to the way it was, nor should it. I am proud to be the mother of an amazing baby who has shown me the true meaning of love. I really hate using cliches but it is absolutely true: having a child completely changes you. I decided for myself, but more importantly for my son, to be happy, because it is good for both of us! I now find joy in the time I get to spend with myself and the new hobbies I've taken up to use my time productively (baking, needlepoint, decorating, meditation etc). I have also tried to stop expecting others to make me happy, and instead change my views on their actions that once disappointed me. As a result I have a much stronger relationship with my family and my romantic partner. I still struggle to accept certain things, particularly issues that involve my son's father who I consider to be a bit of a sociopath, but I really have gotten much better at not dwelling on the things he does that makes me unhappy. It just comes down to this: I don't like being sad. I don't like crying. I don't like feeling lonely. I don't like being anxious. I don't like being jealous of my friends and family and even strangers because I perceive their lives to be more fulfilling than my own. I am surrounded by love all the time, I just need to be willing to SEE it and to ACCEPT it, because it's always there and always has been. I suppose it's just a change in perspective. I have another blog, a personal one, that I never wrote positive things in. I poured my miserable little heart out and looking back on the entries, it definitely served as a catalyst for this transformation I'm currently going through. I was tired of being the complainer, the cry baby, the unhappy for no good reason person. And so here I am, hoping to inspire someone else out there to take a journey inward to their soul.
I do not for a second doubt the existence of depression and anxiety. In fact the reason I am progressing so well recently is because winter is finally over, and generally in the winter I have really terrible seasonal affect disorder (SAD, ((LOL))) I just think that there are many forms of self therapy that you can do besides traditional talk therapy to help bring yourself to a place where you don't want to hide from the world and cry because it all seems so unfair. Sometimes we are reinforced by our feelings or the attention from friends and family and our depression/anxiety spirals more out of control. My experience is not true for all cases of depression or anxiety and I am fully aware that some people experience hopelessness in a much more extreme manner than myself and it is not as easy as "1-2-3 I am happy again!", but for me I had to realize that I have the power to change my future and my present.
AND SO: I've decided to be happy.
