I’ve never had my identity stolen, thank god, but I have had a few instances with identity theft-ish things with my taxes and debit card. Needless to say, it’s very stressful and not that much fun.
But with that said, these criminals obviously aren’t that bright if they’re trying to take my identity. Why?
Along with a variety of psychological malfunctions, you are also getting an intolerance to soy and bullshit. But even more than that, you’re getting a lot of responsibility.
If you checked out my Twitter or Facebook pages, you would know that being me requires that you are:
First and foremost, a social butterfly who is totally a people person.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there and be satisfied with the cursory “hello” head nod.
A chipmunk just ran into my leg, screamed and ran away. Given my history, it’s safe to assume it was male.
Relationship status: Just found an almond in my pajamas. This is as close to nuts in my bed that I’ve had in years.
I can tell just by talking to some people that they lift up the car door handle every time that you go to unlock it.
Age 23: Yay! Plans!
Age 33: Yay! Plans got cancelled!
I establish dominance at the store by never breaking eye contact with the person behind me when placing down the grocery lane divider.
Ever caught a 33-year-old woman singing “Uptown Funk” to the stray cat in her yard? If you’re my neighbor, you can say that you have.
I never talk on the phone while I’m driving. Or when I’m not. Basically I just avoid talking on the phone whenever I can.
I accidentally made eye contact with a creepy guy at the store while putting on ChapStick and now he thinks that we’re dating.
Along those lines, you will be responsible for being a fashion icon.
I will never have the confidence of people who use magnifying mirrors.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? My good T-shirt is still in the wash.
It took me two months to use a package of 7-day teeth whitening strips in case my dedication to beauty was ever in doubt.
I’ve never won the lottery, but I did just find a piece of cereal in my bra so I imagine it feels something like that.
If you played connect-the-dots with the stains on my shirt, it would reveal a picture of a grown woman who should probably use a bib.
I think I just blinded a chipmunk with the whiteness of my legs.
Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good two day run.
An old man told me I reminded him of his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.
You don’t have to be Martha Stewart, but there is a certain domestic goddess status to maintain.
A good indication of your cooking skills is when you’re asked to just bring ice to a party.
A “Woman vs. Food” show but just me attempting to get food from the fork to my mouth without dropping it in my lap first.
I just used four paper towels to wipe out one Ziploc bag to reuse. I think I’m doing recycling wrong.
I just accidentally hit the switch for the garbage disposal instead of the light again. In related news, I no longer fear death.
The food isn’t done until the smoke detector says that it’s done.
I just burned my hand on the toaster. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I threw old kale under my feeder last night and now the squirrels are requesting coconut water and wearing yoga pants.
And finally, you are expected to be a motivational force, inspiring people with your knowledge.
Saw a guy pushing a “pull” door several times and instead of helping him, I said, “Never give up. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live.”
Sometimes I impress myself. Other times I try and get out of the car while still wearing my seat belt and wonder how I made it this long.
You say “bed.” I say “nocturnal worry pod of overanalysis.” It’s really just semantics.
My weekend to-do list just reads like a menu of things that I want to eat.
That’s one small step to the fridge, and one giant leap back to the couch.
The woman who cut in front of me at the store had a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.
All I’m saying is that I’ve seen more people smiling while eating than smiling while out on a run.
I just threw away my to-do list. Like I need that kind of stress in my life.
Stop, drop and roll is also great advice for when someone unexpectedly knocks on your door.
I woke up planning on being positive, but my spoon fell into my oatmeal and so now that plan has gone to hell.
If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed. It only goes downhill from there.
Okay. So the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of that jar of almond butter, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I burn my mouth on pizza one more time I will continue to eat pizza because it’s delicious and I can’t hold both a grudge and a fork.
“I’m in no mood for this today.”- Me, any time of any day when anything slightly inconveniences me.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I never forget a face. Just names. And dates. And why I walked into a room and where I was going with this.
See? It’s not easy being me, so you should probably just move on to someone else. Remember, I have issues.
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