Most people probably spent today lazing away, resting up before heading back to work and school after taking time off to spend with family and friends and celebrate the holidays. I got out of bed and almost immediately set to work. I picked things up off the floor. Put laundry away. Made my bed. Organized things on my desk. Emptied trash cans. Cleaned out the cat's litter box. I kept going and going and going, until I stopped. And then I sobbed.
This is not the New Years Day post I planned to write today.
I had most of it already written in my head. I was going to write about all my grand plans for 2013, about how I wanted to live a healthier life and how this year I was finally going to make some money for my writing, even if it was as little as $5.00. I was going to be intentional about things and make sure that I only did the things that I really wanted to do and not because it was just expected of me. But none of that really seems to make a bit of difference right now.
This transition from the old year to the new one was very different for me. Not in the sense that I was single or anything like that.
I've never spent a New Years with a boyfriend. I've never spent a Christmas or a Thanksgiving or any major holiday with a boyfriend. None of that is what made this holiday season, this new year, so different for me — so painful.
This morning, when I busied myself until I broke down, it was because I had a realization.
Right now, in this moment, I feel completely and utterly alone.
My older sister is now married and living several hundred miles away with her husband in Florida. My relationship with Office Boy is completely cut off now, as he told me on Friday that we cannot be friends for the foreseeable future. My best friend in the world is leaving the country for 11 months in one week and our communication will be sporadic, at best, for effectively the entire year. My two other best friends live in New York and Missouri, respectively.
I quite literally feel more at a loss than I ever have in my entire life. I have absolutely no idea what to do next or where to go.
Well, I mean, practically I know what to do next. I have to go to work tomorrow and rehearsal on Thursday. On Friday I will spend time with my bestie for the last time before she leaves the country, on Saturday I will go to see The Hobbit with my mother, and on Sunday I will go to church.
But where I previously felt joy about things, where I previously felt excitement at the days to come, I feel confusion and pain.
Practically, I know that 2012 was, for the most part, a good year. That I learned things, that I had experiences that I will one day look back upon and smile at the memory of. That I learned things about myself as a person, myself as a Christian, that will be invaluable to me as a person in the future. But right now, I can't see that. Nearly every single happy memory is somehow associated with Office Boy and is therefore now associated with pain. I feel as if, in some ways, I lost a year of my life, and at the same time I would be perfectly alright if I had not lived it because it's just too painful.
I feel a bit ridiculous for writing these things. I don't like the fact that I'm feeling this way because this is not the type of person I am. I'm not a pessimist by nature. In fact, I'm painfully optimistic and hopeful about things most of the time that they end up causing me pain later when things don't turn out.
I'm sincerely hoping that 2013 will be a good year. That I will look back on it with gladness and that, by the end of it, I will be able to look back on 2012 with gladness as well. The fact of the matter is, right now, I just don't know.
I practically know that God is good. I know that He is sovereign and all things that happen — even these things that are causing me so much pain right now — are part of His plan. I know that He has the full picture in view. I know that He will redeem this time in my life, because He says in His Word that the purpose of trials and pain is to refine us and to make us more like Him.
And that is why I am fighting my natural tendency. That is why, when I feel pain and am overcome with grief to the point of tears, I am trying not to do what I always do — eat junk food and watch sappy movies about unrealistic stories of love written by the world.
I have come to realize recently just how much of life is about choice and priorities. It's not about how busy you are or are not. It's about what you actually want to do. And I want to be fully in love with Christ. I want my trials and pains to turn me to Him, not to things that will never satisfy. I want to be able to trust fully that He knows what He is doing and trust in the wonderful things that He has planned. And I am hoping that this year will be different.
I don't know what God has in store. I have some feelings about the future that are confusing to me and, in many respects, painful, and I am sorting those out with God. I know this year will be different. But I hope it will be a good kind of different.
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