With out further a due (is that even how it’s spelled?) Do you all at least know what I am trying to say?
Ellen,IF YOU EVER even think about leaving me again for a month, where I cannot text you about every insanely important thing about my day, or call you to tell you there's traffic and I'm bored.. Just remember how awful that idea was - next time you get a crazy idea. I get it.. I’m sure Italy was gorgeous, and it was an experience of a lifetime, and I’m sure it was good for you. This is about me though, it was totally uncool and disrespectful! But absence does make the heart grow fonder, I peed a little yesterday when I finally saw you.
Jared,Yesterday, Ellen was a horrible influence on me. She practically dragged me into nordstroms rack and MADE me try on everything that she knew I loved. Of course, I had to buy it all. Which was a lot of shopping - but no stress they are all grade A items. But then BUT THEN when I get home and tell you that I have the perfect outfit for your company BBQ tonight, and try it on for you. You tell me ehhhh... which totally means no, and you hate it, obviously! The NERVE! I work really hard, kind of, on trying to be a hot wife, some eye candy even. I find the perfect mullet skirt and lace top, and you prefer tight jeans and a low cut shirt? Your male mind disgusts me. Can’t you appreciate my perfect pinterest matching shopping skills? Thanks to you. I will probably be wearing tight jeans and be giving out cleavage shots tonight, because I want you to be excited to make out with me after.
Shia,Hi. It’s your mom (I let you out to pee at 3am last night - learn to hold your bladder, you're almost TWO). Last night you were incredibly hyper. What’s up with you having more energy than a jack russell? You are a bull dog remember? The lazy lumps that sit around all day and fart? We specifically chose you to join our family, because we’re lazy and you are too.. NOT. I am more active now, then ever before. I have to take you on LONG walks to expense your energy. Uncool. I know all the pictures I have of you are while you’re sleeping, but that’s because that is literally the only time you’re not bouncing off the walls, floors, or any solid mass. OH and what’s up with you climbing on the chair and putting your paws on the table to eat my left over pizza the other day? Who taught you that? Totally unacceptable! But I kind of felt like anchorman, I wasn't as much disappointed as totally impressed. Way to go! Don’t tell your dad.
I was trying to tame my beast, the choke hold.
Lake Powell,I cannot wait to jump inside your wet body mass.
Babies,I know that I already explained all of you are insanely creepy. Don’t get offended by this. I mean it as a general statement. Not just one of you, ALL OF YOU. But hey... I was a baby one time. I also had creepy baby fingers as shown below. I didn’t have your bug eyes (just a lazy one), and your freaky cone heads. You’re on your own there.
Jared again,Seriously though.. You don’t like that skirt? I look really cute in it.
Ellen again,What’s up with Jared not like our matching skirts we bought?P.S. Who buys matching outfits when you’re almost 22?
Vertigo,Suck it HARD. I’m over you.
The lovely ladies that don't know I am here to crash their parties.
