There are times when I feel totally overwhelmed and times when no matter how hard I try, how fast and efficient I try and be, I just don't have enough pairs of hands for everything.
On those days I feel like I could manage with just one of my boys, but sometimes having both can leave me lost. I have one pair of hands, who do they go to when both of my boys each want something different? Who do I let down? Because at their ages, no matter how much I try to explain or show them, they don't understand that I can't always split myself in to two. That I can't, no matter how much I may want to, sit down and play all day.
Far too often I feel guilty. I'm guilty because I am putting the washing away, rather than holding Logan. I'm guilty because I'm cooking dinner whilst Ethan's tugging at my leg wanting me to play with him. I'm even guilty for cleaning the mold off of the window whilst Logan's wanted me to pick him up. I'm guilty of it all. And I hate this feeling.
It's silly and emotional I know. Life doesn't work in a way that we can give our kids absolutely every moment of us. They need to learn that washing doesn't get done by a fairy and that Mummy has to be shared. But I still feel so guilty, because as I said above, at their age - they just don't quite yet understand that. It's a learning curve for them, one that no matter how I look at it, somehow always leave me feeling some sort of guilt.
I think that as they get older, things will get easier. They'll both understand a bit more and when I'm not doing jobs or working and I do get to sit and play with them, then at least I won't have to split myself. We can all play together, because Logan will be at an age where he will be able to and they'll hopefully both enjoy the same sort of thing.
But until then I know the guilt will always find a way to get to me.
But I also know that I'm just trying my best.
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