Isn't she cute?
Dear Kate Hudson,
I regret to inform you that you’re on notice. If you continue to behave this way, I will discontinue my metaphorical membership in the Kate Hudson Fan Club. It is because of my infinite love for you and my belief in your immense talent, that I must write you this letter in true “Intervention” style:
“Almost Famous” came out when I was thirteen and it changed my world forever. Penny Lane, the 16 year-old globe-trotting bohemian who slept with rock stars and wore bell-bottom jeans was the hero of 13 year-old Me. Penny continues to be one of my all-time favorite film characters. If “Almost Famous” is the “Cabaret” of my generation (and it is) than your Penny Lane is the equivalent of Liza’s Sally Bowles, which is the best compliment I could possibly give you. Which brings me to my point. My undying love for you is based on three things:
1. Your portrayal of Penny Lane, the aforementioned queen groupie and lost soul.
2. Your amazing boho-hippie style which, let’s be honest, is mostly a product of Rachel Zoe’s styling.
3. You’re face.
Pay special attention to the third one, Kate, because I must confess, I have a type and you’re not it. Super-curvy redheads like Christina Hendricks and quirky, intelligent brunettes like Maya Rudolph are my usual celebrity crushes, but after seeing “Almost Famous” I made an exception for you. You are one of a very small group of tiny blondes whom I find attractive. More than attractive, in fact, I find your whole Young Stevie Nicks vibe to be intoxicating. Sadly, it’s your physical attractiveness alone that keeps me interested these days and definitely NOT your career choices.
It’s time for some tough love.
Should something terrible happen to you, like you’re decapitated in a freak yoga accident or Goldie Hawn decides to eat her young, your obituary will read, “Kate Hudson is remembered for her Oscar-nominated role in ‘Almost Famous,’ and that is all.”
Sad, but true. I tell you this so that you’ll think before taking the role of “Clutzy von Stupid” in yet another vapid rom-com.
I believe in you, Kate.
Even though you’ve starred in “Bride Wars” and “Something Borrowed,” two of the most misogynistic movies I’ve ever seen.
Even though you’d rather play offensive stereotypes than well-rounded characters.
Even though a thousand girls would kill for the career opportunities you’ve squandered.
I’m still a fan.
But I must warn you, one more horrible romantic comedy and I’m jumping off the bandwagon. One more badly written film co-starring Matthew McConaughey, and we’re over. This is your last chance. If the next movie you star in features a sad girl binge eating Ben & Jerry’s and then tripping over a sidewalk crack in $5,000 Louboutin shoes on the way to her job as a kindergarten teacher, I will break up with you.
It won’t even take me 10 days.
