Finally, we have a cold snap on the Grand Strand. I imagine many locals appreciating warm cups of coffee, tea, and hot chocolate, but today I'm principally concerned with the coffee served at pancake houses.
Having lived in the Myrtle Beach area since 1996, I have visited my share of local pancake houses, and for me, pancakes and coffee are an essential pairing.
In our time of casual independent coffeehouses and proliferating Starbucks locations, pancake houses and their steaming pots of java deserve praise for several reasons:
1. For one thing, most pancake-house coffee hasn't changed a bit. It reminds me of all things retro: thrift, blandness, and rust. I can even imagine the coffee for my cup arriving at the pancake house when JFK and MLK were still alive.
2. I don't think many foodies realize the gourmet value of pancake-house coffee. Unlike Starbucks blends and small-roaster beans, pancake-house coffee requires extra cream and sugar, the two reasons why Americans like coffee.
3. I'll bet pancake-house coffee makes an inexpensive wood stain. Don't waste money at Lowe's or Home Depot. Get a couple of cups of pancake-house coffee to-go and buy a cheap paint brush. Better yet, only a couple of sips will stain your teeth, too.
4. I suspect lower caffeine levels in pancake-house coffee, and that won't upset the hearts of our many retirees and snowbirds. This is good news because we only have so many ambulances.
5. Furthermore, you can drink pancake-house coffee and still take a nap afterwards.
6. Some people say drinking too much coffee will cause dehydration, a serious health risk. That's why pancake houses brew intelligently -- with extra water and only a bare minimum of coffee.
7. When I eat a fattening, sugary meal of pancakes and sausage, I can depend on a couple of cups of pancake-house coffee to expedite my need to use the toilet. I don't have to worry about those calories sticking, and no purging is necessary.
Sure, I haven't tried all the pancake houses on the Grand Strand -- only enough to come to these points of praise. Let me refill that for ya.
-Colin Foote Burch, after Monty Python
