Self Expression Magazine

Let’s Talk Teeth

Posted on the 07 January 2022 by Laurken @stoicjello

Let’s all pretend we’re really going to maintain all the New Year’s resolutions we made and let’s also say taking better care of our teeth is one of those resolutions.

What you’re about to read is part infomercial, part educational article and part cautionary tale. Let’s take a break shall we from my many personal woes, all the geo-political horrors worrying us all, that keep getting worse, Trump, Blithering Biden, Hillary’s potential fourth loss at running for president, the many intentional falsehoods about Covid, that Joe Gatto is leaving Impractical Jokers and instead, let’s focus on a topic much lighter, much less gross…..like teeth.

Great strides have been made in dentistry and orthodontia in recent years,     If you’ve got time, discretionary income and a dentist with a script pad, you too can you have perfect Hollywood teefies. 

See the photo below? Was he born with these choppers?      I’m no dental expert, but I’d say no, not exactly.

Get a load of the dental Chiclets on this cat?

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I’d say natural….all his original issue teeth, but with some professional dental and orthodontial sculpting. Whitening agents for sure.

Teeth are interesting.    If eyes are the windows to the soul, then teeth are the fence that’s keeps stuff in it and stuff from getting out of it.

Teeth and eyes are what I look at first when meeting a potential Mr. Kendrick…at least that was my M.O. years ago when I still on the hunt.       Now, I just peruse  WEb MD looking up symptoms of fatal, age-related diseases.

But teeth are vital to our existence.    They’re also indicators of life threatening diseases and are indicators of referred pain.   A toothache can mean indicate a sinus infection or as Niles Crane on Frasier taught us, a heart anomaly.

We must take care of our teeth.  For aesthetics, if nothing else.

For example:

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Yum, yum, gimme some.   Nice.

How about a little kiss from this half- man/half-front end loader?

Let’s Talk Teeth

Teeth can be glorious things and some teeth can star in their own horror movie..    There is NOTHING  more gross than gross teeth.  But weird, strange, vile teeth aren’t limited to man and womankind.

Animals of all kinds have some very funked up pearly whites…and  browns, blacks and grays.  Check this out…..’twas pilfered from some Pinterest page.   This lovely array of dental glory is from the mouth of something called a Frill Shark.

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The teeth look like tiny antlers. Ewwwww. They give me the proverbial willies.

This next pic is a squid with teeth.

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I now feel even more assured that fried calamari is a justifiable appetizer.

This next set of choppers is brought to you by a Star Nosed Mole.

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WTF?

This next photo is courtesy of Mother Nature on a day she was feeling bitchy,

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Ah yes, Baboons.   Colorful asses.    Horrendous teeth.

And finally, a sheepshead.   A fish with more perfect human looking teeth than Steve Buscemi could ever dream of.

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In the top photo of the Sheepshead, did you notice that there were teeth all over the upper portion of the fish’s mouth?     Scroll upand look…..I’ll wait.  

Well, their teeth are like that because of their diets.    They eat nothing but oysters and gross, vile barnacles and once the front incisors have bitten throug shells, the fish crushes the rest of the shell with the rows and rows of inner teeth and there you have it….dinner.

This treatise on ugly teeth on humans and beasts, both water and land based, has been posted by me as a public service message.    According to the good folks at Colgate around  nine to 15%  of Americans of have dental phobia, which means they’ll avoid seeing a dentist at all cost.   Why?      Pain.    What is it….about an inch or two between a rotten molar and the brain–the real house of  instantly recognizable pain????

And it’s also the  damn cavity drill.   It is shrill and horrible sounding and if you’ve ever seen the movie, The Marathon Man, you’ll understand.   The way if feels, the pressure you feel applied to get to the deeper part of the cavity…..the smell.    I know dentists say drills are much more quiet these days and treatment is less barbaric and blood-letting and leaches are just holdovers for shits and giggles. Still for me, it’s the drill.    I don’t mind the numbing shots at all.  Just the damn drill. Hate it.  

Treatment might have changed  but why can’t they just drip some specialized liquid or cream…hell, even some putty into a cavity and be done with it???   Can’t Colgate-Palmolive get more creative?   The folks at Ultra Brite?    Tom’s?  Join forces and think outside the cavity box, ya’ll.     Remove the fear, anxiety, fear and pain.     Making dental procedures cheaper wouldn’t hurt either.

Plus, dentistry is still invasive in a lot of different ways. I don’t like having a strangers’ masked faces inches away from mine.    In between that and two years of Covid mask wearing, God, I’d make one bad prostitute or bank robber.

And then there’s the cost of exams and treatment but and it’s hard enough finding insurance much less decent dental insurance coverage.

So yeah, I’ll admit I have dental phobia…….I don’t know why,    I’ve had gynecologists all over my hoo-ha and have had a proctologist partly standing in my rectum excavating it, but a dentist’s gloved hand in my mouth????? Uh, no.

Still NOTHING hurts worst than a cavity, or abscessed tooth       Or maybe a kidney stone  or a comminuted fractured bone or about 100 end stage diseases.  
wow. My petty little fear makes me feel like an ass.

Ok, so if you’re like me and dislike dentists depsite their honorable professions and the great work they do……on others…….then we need to learn to avoid the dentists by taking better car of our teeth. Brush after every meal, avoid sweets, use a nice mouthwash.

And I’ll end this with a vivid reminder:  don’t forget to floss.

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