I don't struggle with anxiety all of the time, like right now as I sit here and write this, I'm OK. I feel good, content, at ease. I don't feel bad about myself, I'm not overly worried about anything. I'm chilled, calm and relaxed.
But then I have days like Sunday, where I feel awful and it's all totally out of the blue. It's like it's almost like a roll of a dice how I'm going to wake up feeling sometimes. Though I know it's maybe more to do with certain triggers than a dice roll.
On Sunday all I could feel was low self-esteem, panic, worry, nervousness, negativity. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake those feelings. I was at home, nothing had happened, I was in my place of comfort with my boys. But for some reason I just felt all out of place, like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough. My chest was tight, my eyes were close to tears, my head was full of nothing but self-doubt. I held it together for as long as I could before I burst out crying, my breathing got heavier and I felt like I was panicking. It was horrible and it was hard trying to hide it from the boys.
It's happened before to that extent and usually once I've had a cry and have sort of let it out I start to feel better, but not on Sunday. It just wouldn't go. My chest stayed tight the entire evening. I tried to watch X Factor and relax, Adam even offered to massage me to try and relax me but it wouldn't go and all I wanted to do was hug him tightly.
I woke up the next morning feeling better but my chest was still as tight. Determined not to have another horrible day, I made myself put make up on, I took some time out to have some time to myself whilst Logan napped and Ethan was at pre-school. I filmed a few videos for my youtube channel, including the one below where I opened up about my anxiety. Strangely, despite the fact that being on camera usually makes me feel more anxious, it made me feel better. It gave me a distraction and actually doing something that usually made me feel anxious made me feel better about myself and more confident.
Since then I've worked my way back to feeling good again. Those feelings I felt on Sunday have passed and I feel more in control again. I said to Adam that my anxiety makes me feel like I am about to jump out of a plane, without the jumping out of the plane. It's like a fear, a dread, an unconfidence, a nervousness, a what-am-I-doing? I'm glad I don't feel like that too often, I get anxious but I mostly deal with it. Days like those where I just can't shake it are horrible.
Anxiety isn't the worst thing in the world to have, there's far worse, but knowing how horrible it can be to have days like that and knowing how easy it is to look at other peoples lives and think that everyone else has got it together, when the reality is of course that we all have our own personal struggles, no matter what they might be, makes me realize how important it is to share this part of me just as I share the other parts of my life on my blog.
I recorded the below three minute video on Monday, the morning after. I was feeling really anxious at the time, but filming it and feeling like I was opening up about living with anxiety made me feel slightly better. I hope that if someone reads this or watches it that ever feels similar, that they'll realize that there are others who go through the same thing and that I am one of them.