Steven Wright from Brainy Quotes.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him
what he meant.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
