Marketing Battles – Part II

(This was written in 1988 for the parting copy of the IIM-Bangalore hostel magazine IIMages as a spoof history of marketing management. Needless to say, the fictional company and characters do not intend to describe anyone in the real world and, if any existing company or person is mentioned, there is certainly no intent to state that the actions and motives ascribed to them are in any way the truth This was written in an era where the internet was not even a blip on the horizon and TV was a relative newcomer to the world. Furthermore, it is set in an era when even TV was barely a blip on the horizon.) Click here for Part I
One shudders to think of what owners fed their pets in the pre-dog-food era. No doubt the poor dumb mites starved before the advent of their savior Z. Dogs and dog-owners took Z’s products to their bosoms and soon demand was out-stripping supply. His door-to-door salesmen were getting mobbed on the streets. For a man, who stepped into business to lose money, Z upped his prices when he found his products so much in demand. The atavistic urge to keep score was far stronger than his altruistic impulses and he had fallen into the rut of thinking that the percentage increase in his profits was the only legitimate way of keeping score. This prompted another entrepreneur to get into the act and, soon, the Better Dog-food Inc was competing with Z. Within a few months, there were innumerable small-scale manufacturers luring dogs with their dog-foods. Thus it was truly a dog-eat-dog-food world! The other bulti-millionaire in the country did not jump into the band-wagon because there was hardly any room for His Corpulency in it. HC, therefore, went about saying “I am not a Me-too type. If anything, I am a trail-blazer.” After having heard it ad nauseum and with no sign of any blazing trails, his acquaintances took to muttering unflattering remarks which associated dog foods with sour grapes. HC was incensed. He called up is Executive Assistant and said, “Look! I want to create a new business venture to rival dog foods. Get going and find me one fast. If you fail, you do not need to show your ugly mug to me again. And don’t get any hot-shot ideas about covering your face with pots or stocking masks or I will make you eat that before I kick you out” EA went out and soaked his head in eau de cologne. Life was all nice and peaceful till now but suddenly commerce was spreading like some sort of plague. He cursed Z and HC with a rare fluency till he was out of breath. He had invitations to some parties and, if his days in his cushy job were numbered, he might as well make the most of his last few days. “Lovely footrug that!” he said and stepped on it before his hostess could remonstrate. There was a sound of yowling and the calf of his leg had scratches one inch deep. The same fate that had intervened with PS had now turned its attentions to EA. He could hardly go to a party without a cat ruining the proceedings for him. In one, his tea cup was upset all over his best suit; in another, a hot romantic scene was interrupted by a plugugly trying to scratch his eyes out; in the third he sat by mistake on a cat and could not sit anywhere else for many days to come. Things had come to such a pass that, whenever he was seen to go out for a party, the local medical shop-owner rubbed his hands in glee and packed the Dettol almost immediately. After having had the idea repeatedly injected into him, he erupted with ‘Eureka!’ one day. “If dogs can stand dog foods, then cats can stand cat foods!” Catfood Inc got off to a flying start. Naturally! Cat-owners were suffering from a rash of inferiority compared to their dog-owning friends. After all, they could only feed their cats with scraps from their tables while dog-owners could feed their pets DOG FOODS. Now that they had an option, they were waiting with their cash almost before HC’s salesmen rang their door-bells. Of course, HC also found himself facing competition. ‘Delicious Catfood Inc’ made its appearance and ran HC a close second. Scores of other smaller competitors sprang up and fought viciously for the – er.. – scraps from the tables of these two biggies. HC’s success begot him an unexpected bonus. His statement “I am not a Me-too” became enshrined in business lore. His friends never tired of telling everyone that they always knew that HC was a genius. The once lackadaisical Z was incensed that his PS had not thought of cat foods as well. PS could hardly be blamed since his market research was on the streets and people hardly ever took their cats out for a walk as they did dogs. PS explained to Z how his market research methods differed from EA’s and, thus, he could hardly be blamed for missing out on cats considering that Z never went to parties nor allowed him to go. Z then endowed a Market Research Institution. Thus was born scientific Market Research.
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