I usually look forward to Mondays
Monday is doctor day
Medication day
Medication Monday
My appointment is at 9am every Monday morning
Purposefully made at that time so I am first and don't have to wait long
Usually I have a quick chat with my doctor
Today I told him about my weekend spent severely constipated
I'll spare you the gory details
Although I will say that it involved horrific pain, my stomach bloating so much I looked 9 months pregnant and a healthy dose of laxatives and suppositories
I collected my precious scripts and headed to the pharmacy
My pharmacist is not the friendliest person
Not like the old pharmacist
He always made sure to ask how I was doing
This girl only speaks to me to tell me of their current special offers
I wander around looking at make up and perfume as I wait for my meds
I chat to some of the staff who know me well by this stage
The pharmacist calls my name
I pay, thank her and leave
I get back to car where my dogs are waiting patiently
I turn on the radio, light a cigarette and rest it in the ash tray
Now at this stage I usually rip open my bag of meds
Drink about 2-3 days of methadone
2 days of anti anxiety meds
And maybe 2 days of anti depressants
Then I take my dogs for a run on the beach as I wait for the meds to kick in
I usually head home, blog and spend the rest of the day in a haze of sleep and cigarettes
Repeat Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Time loses all meaning until I wake up on Friday morning and try to piece together the events of the past few days
So this is what I would usually be doing today
But a phonecall yesterday changed all that
My father spends the weeks with me
My parents are separated the last 12 years
But my mother still works where we used to live so during the week they swap houses
My Dad comes up here and my mother goes and stays in his house
Strange I know but it works for them
So my Dad rang yesterday
He asked me very politely to take my meds properly this week
He said he couldn't remember the last time he had a proper conversation with me
Or the last time I was lucid
He said I wasn't giving my dogs as much attention
In short, he asked me to hand over my meds to him and my mother
So they can control how I take them
I've had this conversation with one or other of my parents so many times over the years
They express concern and frustration
I agree to take them properly
And I do for a while but in the end I always end up abusing them again
Lather, rinse, repeat
Having said all that I do have an issue with taking these meds at all
Olanzapine and mirtazapine have the notorious side effect of weight gain
They stimulate the appetite
So therein lies my problem
I can either abuse them, enjoy oblivion but risk over eating, thus binging and purging
Or I can not take them at all, restrict but have to deal with reality
Of course I do realize there is another option
Take them as prescribed and be careful not to over eat
But I've never been one to opt for the happy medium
I tend to be a person of extremes
All or nothing
Black or white
Take them all or none at all
So what's this messed up girl to do?
I'm throwing the question out to you
Do you have any experience with these drugs?
How did you manage?
Do you think I should continue to take them?
I really can't decide
