In my previous post, I wrote about the virtuous nature of not "wasting" food as a reason for my mindless eating. But that's not what happens in my nightime gorgings.
During the day I am busy, with many more things on my "to do" list than I can possibly finish. At the end of "getting through the day," I feel I deserve a reward: a glass of wine with a nice dinner. Which is perfectly reasonable, right?
And what happens after that?
I am alone in the house. Adrian is dead. He will be dead for the rest of my life.
After I finish the dishes, I pour myself another glass of wine, take a couple of dark-chocolate covered cashew clusters, and retire to the living room. I subscribe to Netflix, and always have several dvds to choose from on any evening. I get six dvds at a time to make sure there is never a long holiday weekend without mail when I will run out.
I watch a movie or a TV series: Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Nurse Jackie--while I munch away at the cashew clusters, sipping the wine.
When the clusters are gone, I pause the dvd and go into the kitchen. In my pantry I have bags of pistachios, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, brazil nuts, almonds. Nuts are good for you, right?
You get the idea.
I used to read books, and I still do, but it is harder. In the evenings these days, I require something that catches my interest fast and takes me out of my world into another for a couple of hours. That, and putting something in my mouth at the same time, are comforting.
The wine eventually makes me sleepy, and I can contemplate going to bed in the empty house.
So that's one way an addiction begins. Food and booze are comforting--just temporarily, though. The wine may make me sleepy, but later interrupts my sleep. The overeating gives me indigestion, which also keeps me awake. When it gets really bad, I promise to reform my ways.
And I do for a night or two.
But for a real cure, I need to pause the eating and drinking, pause the dvd, and face the loneliness head on.
I'll let you know when I do.
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