It’s been a few months since I’ve shared some headlines from my house, so I figured it was time for an update.
More Headlines From My House
Nemo Found. Dory Lost. Owners Banned from Owning More Pets
Evidence Suggests Hardest Part of Exercising in Morning for Most People is Not Telling Everyone They Worked Out in the Morning
Twitter Greatly Overestimates Woman’s Desire to Find New Friends
Driver Beeps Horn .03 seconds After Light Turns Green; Woman Shuts Off Car, Lies on Hood and Feeds Birds for an Hour
Motion Made to Rename Naps ‘Horizontal Life Pauses’
Personal Ad: The last two things I’ve spooned were a pillow and a jar of sunflower seed butter
Dora the Explorer to Explain How She Gets Shirt Over Her Giant Freak Head
Etiquette Tip: Use Phrase ‘Gender Reveal Party’ and not ‘Baby Sex Party’
Study Finds Only Thing Women Like More Than Target is Talking About Going to Target
College Graduate Observed Washing Lawn Gnome in Bird Bath; Neighbors Cease Questioning as to Single Status
Cantaloupes Resent Being Called ‘Just Negative Antelopes;’ Sue for Slander
Of Available Techniques for Safely Drinking Hot Tea, Waiting for it to Actually Cool Down Least Used
Woman, 32, Emotionally Unprepared When Last Bit of Food Eaten Without Realizing It
Poll: Bigger scam: Non-stick pans or no-scrub bathroom cleaner?
New Reality Show Created About Bored People Scrolling Meaningless Crap on Internet at Work Called ‘Relatable’
After Third Time Tripping Over Cat in Single Trip Across House, Owner Refuses to Fake Concern For Cat’s Wellbeing
Banana Pulled Off Bunch Feels ‘Ripped Viciously From Family’
Confirmed: Internet Connection Goes Out More Than I Do
Woman Turns on Oven. Hears Fire Truck in Background. Turns off oven. Reverts to Plan B
Editor Disappointed to Discover ‘Plastic Martini Glasses’ Drying in Office Bathroom are Actually Part of a Breast Pump
Most Underreported Form of Cyber Bullying Found to be Invitations to Play FarmVille on Facebook
After Reviewing Bank Statement, Writer Diagnosed with Earning Disability
Confirmed: No Good Way to Hurry Around Old Lady in Motorized Cart Without Looking Like You’re Racing Her
Creator of Pants Without Pockets Fails Performance Review
Broccoli Floret Fell Out of Shirt at Gym. Thinking of Becoming Motivational Speaker
Psychologists Conclude Burritos are “Just Shy Tacos with a Soft Side”
After Vacuuming, Couch Free of Cat Hair For Record 19 Seconds
‘Sense of Community’ Formed When Line of Cars Joins Up to Prevent Jerk from Cutting In at Front
Like the blog? Buy the books!
Your turn. Give me a headline from your house.