I have quite a different post for you tonight, hope you don't mind. I want to talk/write about my grandad & grand-pop I have never ever written anything like this or spoken to anyone about how I feel not even my family. I have been without my grand-pop for 13 years and my grandad for 17 years. Long time huh? I have no memories of my grandad and grand-pop dying whatsoever and in a way I guess that's a good thing.
I'm going to start with my grandad. I was 4 years old when my grandad was taken away from me, his name was Fred. I was super close with him and I will always remember watching Scooby Doo with him in my nans lounge and sitting in the garden with him and Benji (there old doggy). He wasn't my biological grandad, him i never knew all I knew from my biological grandad is that he died a few years ago. He never wanted to know my dad and my dad never wanted to know him. To be honest I don't know why I never asked. Even though my grandad wasn't my biological grandfather that never mattered to me as I had no idea when I was younger I didn't know until a good few years after he died. Anyway he was my hero and I loved him so much it was unreal. I honestly wish he didn't die when I was so young :( I wish I could still cuddle him and him to tell me everything is going to be alright.
Now for my dear old grand-pop he died when I was 8 years old. I have a few more memories of him some good some bad. He was my hero too he looked after me so well and was a truly amazing man. We used to play on the floor together and he would help me with puzzles. He also used to give me shandy when I was small :) I have lots of pictures of me and him and I will treasure them forever. The sad thing is that he died when my mom was pregnant with my little sister so she never got to meet him either and she will never feel how I feel. I remember my grand-pop becoming sick and visting him in the nursing home. He was so ill and most of the time didn't no who anyone was. I didn't like to see him sick and I wish I didn't remember it, but I do.
My parents have no idea how I feel I have never ever spoke to them about it I don't think I will ever be able to. Some of you might be thinking that I would have got over the fact that they both died by now but the truth is I haven't. I never went to either of the funerals as my nans both thought I was too young. I don't think I have ever grieved properly and I still think about them everyday. I would love to know if they were proud of me and I really hope they are. I would give anything to see them again. I get jealous when people say they are going to visit there nan & grandad because I will never be able to say that. They never saw my milestone birthdays, never saw me finish school and they won't see my get married. That hurts more than anything in the world. I can sometimes just sit in my room and cry at home much I miss them. I have had to stop numerous times writing this due to bursting out crying. It may have been a long time since I saw them but it doesn't get any better and I don't think it ever will. One good thing that has come from this is how close I am to my nans. They are my angels and I would do anything for them. I think I will be devastated when they go and hopefully they won't for a long long time!
I really hope you don't mind me writing this long depressing post but I needed to write down how I feel and somehow this may make me feel better about it all.
Thanks for reading!
