My dear future,
Today was the first day I truly cried over you, or rather by the constant reminder that you are still somewhere in the distant future, and not growing warm, safe and sound inside me.
I keep getting told I have been strong and brave, always finding a positive in the sadness that comes and goes each month. But this month was different.
This month was the realisation that I couldn’t give my husband the best Christmas gift ever, a future that becomes more important to him with each day. This month was the realisation that when my mom and dad are here next month, I won’t have anything exciting to share with them … that they have to wait a little longer and that maybe I won’t be the first one to give them their first grandchild.
I find myself wishing I had a better distraction, something more than renovating what is meant to be our family home. But as closer as it gets to being finished, the more empty it feels. And I find myself going through the same old addictions, trying everything and anything to fill a void – even though I know you’ll be the only thing that will ever truly fill it.
Maybe it was easier when I was only letting myself down, but now I see his eyes light up when we meet our friends little ones, I see him doing research and taking active steps to make you happen. This month we were so sure… until the 16th day of the same flashing smiling face, meant my body was failing. He told me to not jump to conclusions, maybe the tests were faulty… maybe you were really there already. As it turns out, all these expensive tests, early morning excitement with what we thought were positive re-enforcement to try, simply were nothing but a signal that my body was once again failing us… failing you…
Each night I dream of feeding you, of feeling you growing inside and of seeing his smiling face at your existence… and then I wake and realize that you, my darling future, are still lost, drifting around and yet to settle into our lives… to make us the parents we both so badly want to be.
In my heart, I know one day you’ll exist… I do… but right now, I just can’t help but feel like maybe you never will… and I’m just a little more broken today, than yesterday.
