Hello there! My name is Patty and I blog over at A Modern Grace. When I started blogging, Kaitlyn's was one of the first blogs I started reading and following. I always find her space here to be a place of encouragement and relevance for women. I am so humbled she is letting me share my story with you here today, especially when stories like mine are not ones you hear very often. Addiction is a disease that lies.destroys.kills. This past July, the world learned of another young star whose life was overtaken and ended in addiction, Cory Monteith the well-known star of "Glee. Drug addiction is a sad, tragic reality, but today I want to share on a specific type of addiction that is (in my humble opinion) more harmful and destructive. I am talking about men who struggle with sexual addiction. Why do I know or feel compelled to address SUCH a sensitive topic?
Because my husband struggles with sexual and alcohol addiction.
I have to be honest, I am very nervous and hesitant about sharing this with you all today, because I have never written on this topic on my own personal blog for a variety of reasons. They include and are not limited to the shame and embarrassment I feel as a wife/for my husband, I wonder if people who follow and read my stuff would judge me and/or my husband/our marriage...you get the idea. It's tough stuff. But I also reflected on how much I didn't understand or feel prepared to handle at the time after only being married less than a year when these things were revealed to me. I never knew just how MANY men (good Christian men) struggle with sexual integrity. There have been many times over this year I felt ill-equipped to understand and know how to handle it all...and in talking with my husband, I have wanted to share my perspective and experience, with the main goal of helping other women who are in similar situations as I have been in. I have talked and prayed about this with my husband, and he has willingly agreed to me writing this piece.
I knew my husband struggled with masturbation before we married. Honestly I didn't really understand it; why he felt the need to act out by looking at pornography or acting out from time to time. I honestly figured if he didn't really say much about how he was doing, that meant he was fine. I was naive and didn't fully understand sexual addiction. I didn't know to ask questions because I had never really heard of it before.
Six months into our marriage, my husband was in his last semester of grad school. Between his internship, class load, and money being really tight, his stress level went up. For men who struggle this way (as I am learning), when they feel such tension stress it only can can provoke them to act out. Shortly after ringing in 2013, Jim shared with me it was getting hard to remain chaste; he was acting out more masturbating and looking at porn. He also had gotten a medical marijuana license to help "deal" with his stress and unpleasant, big feelings. I was so hurt, shocked, and devastated. So many feelings and thoughts just running through my head, and yet, at the same time, I also just felt numb. I was in shock. I couldn't even begin to find the words to describe the emptiness and how lost I felt. I just looked at this man, and wondered to myself, "God, why has he done this to himself...to me? How do I even know him? How can I love someone I thought I knew? How could I have been so naive?"
Last winter/spring was really hard. LOTS of yelling, fighting, crying, sleepless nights, going to bed angry, storming out of the house, crying myself to sleep...you get the idea. There was a part of me that was SO mad at God. I thought I knew who I married. I felt betrayed, confused, and scared for my future. I married a good Catholic man, we waited till our wedding night, we prayed together regularly, and he loves Jesus.
But, somehow we have and are making it through...not surviving, but also recovering together and even thriving. At first when I realized my husband had a sexual and alcohol addiction problem, I thought he was the only one who needed "fixing" because clearly he was the one with the problems. But God has, and is continuing to gently peel back the layers of where I have need to be stretched and grow, and learn much about myself through this all.
My husband found out somehow that there is a weekly support group for men who struggle with sexual integrity at our local church just miles from us. How amazing is it we are so close to it! I've also started going to the weekly group that meets to help the wives of these spouses work through and deal with their own recovery process of it all. It has been really really hard for me sometimes to talk and share about all this deep stuff in my marriage. But I feel safe and really know that these women, if anybody, would understand and not judge me. I've become close too with one of the group leaders, and she has become a second mom to me in helping me process and understand it all.
We have a found a great marriage counselor whom we both feel comfortable with; someone who holds each of us accountable and calls us out in a tough love way when needed. He is challenging both of us in area's of selfishness and forgiveness, and it has been a really good experience for us both.
My husband has also begun seeing a therapist to help him better understand himself and the wounds of his past that have impacted his acting out behavior and how he uses unhealthy ways to address big feelings. He is growing in being more open by having accountability partners and taking preventive means by setting up things on the computer to help him in potential moments of temptation. He goes to AA several times a week, and has recently found a sponsor who is a good fit and really gets along with.
I have begun to see a counselor for myself; to help me deal with all of this trauma, but also to help my heart heal and forgive. I have begun attending Al-anon meetings with my mother, sister, and in-laws so we have tools and resources to help us deal with a loved one who has a problem with alcohol. It might sound crazy, but both sets of our parents and siblings know about everything going on in our marriage. Their love, support, prayers, and encouragement has meant the world to both of us and we wouldn't trade them for anything. I cannot imagine not having them to talk or pray with about all of this.
Our start to marriage has been so much harder than I ever imagined. And trust me, I still have plenty to work and address with myself related to all of this...I struggle a lot with forgiveness and trust. I have begun reading an excellent book called "Codependent no more" which is illuminating the self-destructive ways I try to 'help' my husband in being controlling, but learning actually how that does the total opposite. I am learning SO much from attending the group for wives, and some weeks it is just totally overwhelming to me. I've come home several times in tears; crying over hearing the sad stories of women who are in marriages of 20 or 30 years, but sadly their spouse doesn't see or admit that he has a problem...I just cannot imagine living that way.
Yes my husband isn't perfect and struggles in this, BUT he has come a long way. I see him actively wanting recovery, and that is the greatest gift he can give me. I know this will be a part of our marriage for the rest of our lives. He is open and committed to doing all he can to be on a path of healing and recovery; not only for himself, but for me, our marriage, and our future children. And seeing all his hard work challenges and calls me to work harder to grow in selflessness and true forgiveness towards him...to work on my own weaknesses so I can better become the wife he needs me to be to support, love, and encourage him. It has been really hard, and there is a lot of work ahead for the both of us. But we both are so thankful that our relationship is so strongly built on a deep love of Christ and our Catholic faith; because honestly, those two things have been the spiritual super glue that has kept us going through it all.
Are we out of the woods yet? No of course not, and I know that. I know all the stats of how much hard work it takes for both a husband and wife to survive and thrive through something like this. We made promises, a covenant with each other and God. As we look back at things since last new year, we can see the glimmers of hope and grace; God leading us to the right people and places to help both of us. Praise God, for allowing us to face this now rather than 20 years from now like some of the women in the group I go to. And to really begin healing for both of us before we have children of our own.
If you know of a friend/sister/niece who is in a marriage where her spouse struggles with sexual addiction, please pray and offer sacrifices for her. Do not judge her or her husband or her marriage - she doesn't need to feel more shame than I am certain she already does. Encourage her to begin her own path of healing and recovery; seek out a good Christian counselor and find a support group for wives. Share this post with her; it so important for her to know she is NOT alone fighting this fight. I know for me I felt very alone at times, and finding women who understand, love, and accept me has been so helpful for me personally.
As I said, I have some anxiety about sharing this online, but if my story can help another wife, then that is another good that has come from this struggle. I want to share and witness that, yes, even though addiction has taken a toll on my marriage, you can find hope and heal in the face of it. God is doing something to my husband and I through this; He is strengthening our resolve and softening our hearts towards each other. He is purifying both of us.
And I'm here to tell you that hope and healing can be found through it all :)
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