My Journey with Lexapro-- Weeks 3 & 4

My phone is having a difficulty editting my last Lexapro post so I started a new one, which seems to work out better now that I consider it, people who are reading and are taking the medicine as well will be able to skim over the weeks they are at to see my reactions.
Day 15: (10.16.11)
Today has been bad so far, I had to take 1/2 of a Xanax at 6 am when I woke up with racing thoughts that I could not control. About 20 mins ago I experienced a crazy sensation , I felt like my body shut down with shortness of breath & then I got a burning feeling that ran thru my entire body it scared me so much that I had to call my mother to talk my way thru it. I thought about taking the other 1/2 of my xanax but not sure if its a good idea since I took it only 6 hours ago. I do however notice that my anxiety gets much worse  around "the time of the month", not quite sure why that is though. On a good note, I have completed first 2 weeks of treatment. Soon hopefully it will be in full effects & I can live a normal life, however it still seems impossible at this point.  Maybe I will need an increase to 10mg? Guess I will find out tomorrow when I go to the Dr. (thinking of that triggered the burning again. I cant win today....)
3 pm: Still not the best of days but not as bad as before. I could however use a nap.
7:30 pm: Things turned around once my husband got in from work, I guess because it makes me feel safer. I am fairly anxious about the ride to the Dr's tomorrow, but I do not know why. Possibly because my appointment is later than usual. Most of the time I am the first person to be seen, but not tomorrow, Which sucks. But I will make it. My Uncle will make me. 
Day 16: (10.17.11)
 Another Xanax Morning. I know its because of my Dr. appointment today that I am feeling so off. It seems like my depression is setting in a little harder today too, I am feeling extra lonely & I am not sure why, esp. Since this has been me for a long time. The weather is pretty gloomy today also so thats probably another contributing factor. Who really knows. I am still waiting for that switch to go on. But I guess my Dr. will be talking about that today. I have a feeling I will be going up a dose today. 10 am: half an hour till I leave for the Dr & I am a mess with no real reason why. I dont want to go, I feel like I am falling apart today. I dont know how much more of this all I can take. 11 am: Got all the way to the Dr. & they told me the Dr. is out today, so had to reschedule for Halloween, which will give me longer at least on this dose. I was also talking to my Uncle about taking a trip with him after Thanksgiving to Virginia to pick up his son, I am really thinking this could be a great oppurtunity to "break free" I will just have to arrange a sitter for the girls if my husband would not be able to watch them. It would be a 14 hour car ride there & back. It might be what I need to break my cycle I am on. My cousin told me she broke hers by getting on a plane and heading off to California, maybe a nice scenic drive to the mountains will be my break, but who knows if I will be able to do it. If I do it, it would be a miricale & I will track every step of the way. 5:45 pm: Its still an up and down kind of day, at moments I feel great at others I feel helpless. I keep trying to remind myself that.this medicine can take 4 weeks to work & I am only 2 in, or that my dose might be incorrect right now, but it doesnt seem to help, why cant the pills be like tylenol- 30 mins later & all better. Instead I have to continue to suffer & pray that one of these days it will jusy snap me out of it.... But till then?
 Day 17: (10.18.11) 
Had to take a Xanax to go to sleep last night. And Well, my first wake up this morning at 6 was unpleasant, for some reason I am having trouble sleeping past then, which makes me aggravated because during my nervous breakdown I couldnt sleep late (if at all) & it made me alot worse, I just hope I am not falling back down now, you would think 17 days in I would be feeling better. But today I think I am just feeling worse, its just not fair anymore, I want to be able to do what everyone else does & not have to fight myself to do it, I want to be able to just jump in the car & go for a ride without feeling lightheaded or like I will faint. This is the most horrid way to live life, & I cant seem to escape it. I called the Dr. around 10:30 am to see if this is normal to start feeling worse around the 20 days mark, I did start feeling worse at a similar time with Paxil as well. Maybe its "normal" for it to get worse around this time being as 4 weeks is full effect?? Who knows. I just know it blows. Had an unexpected visit from my grandmother, at first I was a little antsy but then I got better. Maybe I feel like shit because of the Xanax? Like a hang over effect maybe??
**PLZ ANYONE READING THIS IF YOU HAVE HAD SIMILAR EFFECTS ON LEXAPRO OR ANOTHER ANTI DEPRESSANT PLEASE COMMENT*** 5:50 pm: still feeling blah, spoke with a friend who.seems to believe that this is all just panic attacks because the meds take a while to work. Not to sure, maybe I should start taking my xanax every 12 hours like I was prescribed them, at least for a little while. Who knows...
Day 18: (10.19.11)
Pretty shakey today, but have not taken my xanax, gonna try & ride this one out as long as I can without it. Its a crappy day outside which doesnt help. The Dr. is supposed to call me today, she was out for 2 days so I didnt get an answer when I called yesterday. My sinuses are all screwy again today too so its prob. a contributing factor. Guess I will just have to wait on the Dr. & go from there, I have noticed some improvements since being on it, & I am better than I was on the Paxil so there is 2 good starts. Maybe it will get better
1:30 PM: And still no call from the Dr. no suprise there. Wish I could find a different doctor, but that wont happen.
Day 19: (10.20.11)
At 1 am I needed to take a Xanax, I heard a noise outside and my sensor light turned on in the yard so I got pretty freaked out, even though it was most likely just an animal of sorts, I was unable to go to sleep. For some reason when the family is asleep I go into watch guard mode, any who, I took 1/2 a tablet and it did nothing, so I then needed to take the other half about 45 mins later, eventually I feel asleep. I dont know if it was the Xaxax or the fact that it was 2 am that I actually fell asleep.
This morning has been pretty decent, minus the headaches, its the ice pick headaches again and I am starting to think its more sinus related than anything. I had a minor panic attack this morning because my cell phone is broken and I thought my husband left here and I would not have a phone for the day, which totally freaks me out. But he didnt and I got his phone and everything was better fairly quick. Other than that, I am just pretty much tired today, lack of sleep I am assuming, but over all I would say today isnt so bad. Just the normal roller coaster.
7 PM: For the last 2 hours I have felt VERY spaced out, Not to sure why. I thought of taking a Xanax to see if it would go away, but I am not sure if it is a "panic attack" because I am not really panicking. Just feeling really weird. I know this is going to sound REALLY dumb, but maybe its because I have not had my cell phone all day. I do have a tendency to become lost very easily when things are not "as planned" or the basic routine. Oh the joys of being crazy~!
9:45 PM: The headaches are back again, this time on the left side of my head, radiating from the back to the front and into my eye. More uncomfortable than painful except when its the ice pick effect. Of course my over active worse case senerio mind automatically tells me that its a brain tumor or that I have cancer or something of the sorts. I absolutely hate the ability that my mind has over me. Its always the worst case scenerio in there. I know that the headaches are a side effect of the medicine, however I am not always sure thats what is causing them.
Day 20: (10.21.11)
So far, so good. Thats all I am writing as of now, because I dont want to jinx myself. Added on 10.23 Had a good day, minor problems. Went out for the night with my family and did ok, till I started getting tired then I started to get panicky Overall not many complaints.
Day 21 (10.22.11)
 Added 10.23 The day was good till around 6 pm, started feeling REALLY weird, while the neighbor was over the house. And it turned my night bad. Had a lot of anger issues into the evening. Which was not good. Started feeling better around 10 pm, and more " real "
Day 22 (10.23.11)
 The effects of last night seem to have carried over into today, things seemed better but the bands are worse. I am not sure I will be continuing the Lexapro after today,well I mean I will have to continue on a smaller dose to wean myself off of it to avoid withdrawal. This same thing happen with the Paxil around this time in my journey, I started to feel unreal, I want to feel better not worse, and this just seems to be a mask, I don't want to do anything today. Its horrible. Maybe I am just supposed to be crazy. Maybe,I should just go with it, whether I stop it or continue it I don't see these feelings going away anytime soon. Maybe it's not long enough to feel better yet. Urgh. I hate this. Went to McDonalds with the family, the original plan was to just go thru the drive thru but of course my daughter wanted To go inside. The place was packed! It sent me into overdrive but I managed, I felt completely drugged the whole time. Not sure what exactly it was. But I survived, somehow. I know panic attacks won't kill me but sometimes they really feel like they will!
Day 23 (10.24.11)
 Had to take a Xanax to sleep last night, I don't know why it makes me feel so hung over in the morning, I took the pill again. Habit or Hope, I'm not sure. I have contemplated taking the Xanax only over the Lexapro, I know people say no, it's addictive and so on, but I don't care if I am addicted to it as long as I can live my life. Everyday seems to be a battle, and so far I feel on the losing side of it. Most of the side effects are tolerable, a Tylenol here and there for the headaches, a nap for the tiredness. That's fine, but I don't want to feel drugged. It reminds me of when I smoked pot as a teenager, then I liked the feeling ( for GOD knows what reason ) now I don't. I fear that ''high''feeling. It makes me uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do, stick it out till 6 weeks? Maybe that's the best choice I have.
The day turned out to be a pretty good one, even after all of the what ifs and how to's I had circling in my brain.
Day 24: (10.25.11)
I am highly exhausted today. Medicine or not I just want to sleep today. But I can't. Overall so far things seem to be ok, Still have the headache, that I am starting to think will never go away. And I am having shortness of breath, I think this has to do with the fact that I am a smoker, outside, and its like 50 degrees out there. But I can handle to two of those, as long as that is all I have to deal with =0)