I bought my first Christmas tree yesterday.
I went into Target to get cat litter, and I came out with a Christmas tree, two boxes of ornaments, and a box of lights, with plans to go back later for a tree topper, some other miscellaneous decorations, and maybe some stockings. Oh, and I did get the cat litter.
This Christmas is exciting for me. I get to decorate for Christmas for the first time. I suppose technically I could've decorated while in college, but since we were only at school for two weeks after Thanksgiving, it seemed kind of pointless. And so I didn't.
Last weekend, my roommate and I went out and looked at decorations -- both for our apartment in general and Christmas. Because we needed to talk about what be both liked, the vision we both had in our heads, and how we pictured our apartment. I admit, this was hard for me.
I've never been very good at change. I've also never been very good at compromise. I have my own way of doing things, my own vision in my head of how I think things should look and play out.
When I was a little kid, and my mom wanted to do something like move one piece of furniture in my room, she had to talk to me about it for months until I thought it was my idea. Otherwise, I freaked out because it didn't fit the picture in my head.
Even though I did play with my siblings, I also played by myself a lot. The reason being, when I played with dolls or other toys, I already had a story written in my head. I knew what was going to happen, exactly how it was going to play out, who needed to be where when, and who needed to say what when. So rather than just playing with my friends, you would often hear me say, "And now have your doll say this..."
Ten years ago, if you asked me where I'd be today, I would've told you that I would be married. No doubt about it. And though there is a part of me that does wish that was the case, in some ways I'm glad.
I like having my own apartment. I like being able to decorate my room exactly how I want it to be decorated and not having to listen to the opinions of others. If I was married, I would have to compromise with a whole lot more than just decorating and as childish and selfish as that may sound, I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. I absolutely 100% want it one day. I know it won't be easy, but I also know that just based on the fact that I am not always great at compromise, marriage is something that will grow me into a more Christlike person, which is what it's designed to do.
In some ways, it was exciting when my roommate and I went to look for Christmas decorations, but a part of me was nervous. I was afraid that everything I liked she wouldn't like and vice versa. Fortunately, we agreed for the most part and near the end of our shopping excursion we were discussing whether to go with a more muted Christmas theme (like silvers and golds with one pop color) or a brighter Christmas theme (with lots of beautiful colors). I liked the idea of the muted Christmas theme, but I couldn't decide and she said, "You pick which one you like better. I don't care either way." Basically, she just wanted it to be all coordinated, which I agree with, but it also left the ultimate "look" up to me.
I admit, I was relieved, because I still have a difficult time with compromise sometimes, particularly when I already know how I want something to be or how to look.
I've learned to deal with this in some aspects. There are certain situations where I know that other people have authority that I do not have and I have to respect their decision, even if I don't agree with it, but it's a constant struggle. My inner control freak is constantly yelling, "But that's not the way I want it!"
My heart's been doing that a lot with God recently. I'm still processing through the events of the last couple of months and there have been many moments where I've simply yelled in frustration, "But that's not the way I want it!" And the Lord has had to continually gently (and sometimes not so gently) remind me that this might not be the way I want it, but it's the way He wants it, and His ways are so much higher than my own.
Just like the director chooses the cast of the show, despite my opinion, so too, the Lord has laid out a path for my life. He knows what will happen. He has chosen my future for me. He knows if that includes being a published author. He knows what man will be my forever someone and He has chosen and is preparing that man specifically for me. He knows all of these wonderful things and sometimes has to gently steer me around corners and sharp turns when I want to keep going straight.
It's difficult for me to not get my own way. It always has been, but it's getting better. And I'm grateful that God knows better than I and He isn't one to back down. I'm grateful that when I complain and pout and throw a temper tantrum because it's not "my way," He waits patiently for me to finish and whispers those gentle words...
"Your ways are not My ways, My child. Trust me. I know what I'm doing."
PS. I went with the colored ornaments. Pictures will come later. :)
----------Photo by Christiana Halvorson of ChristieMae Designs & Photography.
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