I've spent the large majority of my life with a relationship status of "single."
I'm currently 24 years, two months, and ten days old. Of those 8,835 days (thanks duration calculator), I have only spent 230 of those days (translation: seven months, 17 days) with a relationship status other than "single." When you do the math, that means I have only spent 2.6% of my life not being single.
That's a whole lot of time being single and not very much time not being single.
I'll be honest: I haven't spent most of that 97.4% of my single time in life being very happy about my singleness. I've complained about it a lot of times to a lot of different people. I've bemoaned my singleness and cried over pints of Ben & Jerry's when the fifteenth friend got engaged. I've prayed lots of angry prayers and wondered what the heck God is doing, leaving me here, single at 24 when, ten years ago, I thought without a doubt I'd be married and possibly even pregnant by now.
People tell you a lot of things when you're single.
They tell you that when you stop looking, you'll find the right person. They tell you that God hasn't brought you a spouse because you need to learn to be dependent on Him first. They tell you that whoever eventually ends up with you is going to be so excited that they got you. They tell you what an amazing wife (or husband) you'll be one day because you have x, y, or z quality or talent that is apparently universally desirable in a wife (or husband). They tell you that any man (or woman) that has broken your heart is an idiot. They tell you that it's okay because Paul was single. They tell you that you're so young and you shouldn't be thinking about settling down soon. They tell you a lot of platitudes and clichés meant to make you feel better about your lack of a significant other, but the problem with these kinds of platitudes and clichés is that 99.9% of the time they don't work.
In fact, if you tell a girl like me one of the above clichés about their singleness, they're more likely to want to punch your lights out than to say, "Oh, yes. You're right. Thank you for that reminder. All my frustrations and anxieties can now be laid to rest."
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I remember one time when I particularly aware of my singleness.
It was in 2007. I'd chosen to postpone my freshman year of college and was on tour with the Continental Singers for three months. I don't remember where exactly we were (though I do remember what I was wearing), but I remember that I was feeling very single, very sad, and very alone. I'm not really sure why; I just know that I was. For one reason or another, I ended up reading 1 Corinthians 7, which says this (among other things) about singleness:
"The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord." (32-35, NASB)I read those words and tried so much to believe them, to be content, to rest in them. I tried so hard to be content with the fact that singleness is a time for undistracted devotion to the Lord. I tried so hard to rejoice in this time that the Lord had given me without an obligation to a husband or children. But I couldn't.
Too often, the church paints singleness as a disease that needs to be cured. We have the conversation as if single people are broken, still only half of a person. When we see someone in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond who is not yet married we wonder what's "wrong" with them. We put marriage on a pedestal as the end-all, be-all of the Christian life.
I have been guilty of this too often in my life.
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I've been thinking a fair amount about singleness recently. Thanks to Facebook, I'm extremely aware of the high volume of engagements and marriages my friends have partaken in over the last few years. It really began right as senior year started, when four friends got engaged on the same Saturday before fall semester began. And to be honest, it hasn't really stopped much since then. This past weekend alone, three people I went to college with got engaged.
A year or even just a few months ago, I would've been looked at these posts with frustration and jealousy. I would've sat at my computer irritatedly wondering why it wasn't me that was receiving a beautiful diamond ring from a man with a huge grin on his face. But that's not the case anymore.
Similar to my realization about community, I recently had a realization about my singleness.
For the first time in my life, I am genuinely content in my singleness.
It all seemed to start a few weeks ago when my friend Holly sent me this article from the Desiring God blog. The author talks about how many of us who are single would be more aptly defined as "not yet married" in the sense that many of us who are single now will one day be married. It might be in two years or in twenty, but in either case, we are "not married yet."
He goes on to discuss eight different ways those single, not-yet-married people (like me and possibly like you) can use this gift of singleness (and I'm learning that, yes, it is a gift) to make a lasting impression on His kingdom in ways we might not be able to once we are married. He says:
"With God's help and leading, you have the freedom to invest yourself, your time, your resources, your youth, and your flexibility in relationships, ministries, and causes that can bear unbelievable fruit."In our efforts to discuss the positives or marriage, we often end up putting it on a pedestal that makes those of us who are not-yet-married end up simply waiting around and often doing very little to invest in the kingdom of God and our own sanctification.
A couple of weeks after I read that article, this one was posted on Prodigal Magazine. Based on the title, I originally thought it was going to be about sex and all that jazz. Turns out it's not. It's about just what I've been pondering for the last few weeks. The writer asks:
"Do you sit and wait, hoping that somebody will find you? Do you chase love, pursuing it wherever you think it might be hiding? Or do you pursue fulfillment that isn't contingent on your relationship status?"That's good (and convicting) stuff right there.
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Now, this is not a blog post pontification on the age cliché "once you stop look you'll find him/her." Goodness knows I've heard that more times than I care to admit and have usually wanted to punch the person telling it to me.
It's not a matter of no longer looking for a spouse in hopes that one will show up. It's a matter of fixing our eyes where they're supposed to be in the first place and trusting that in His timing, in His way, God will bring a spouse into your life in order for the two of you to continue in your sanctification together...if that's His plan for you.
My dad used to always tell me to just keep running toward Jesus and, rather than looking around all the time (which distracts you from moving forward), to glance to the side when I noticed someone running up alongside me.
I'm still figuring out what all of this means. I'm still figuring out what it means to be intentional with my singleness and to use this time as wisely as I can. But some of the things are falling into place naturally.
In my singleness, I'm able to go to TGI Friday's after a Good Friday service and laugh with my girl friends until 1:00am. In my singleness, I'm able to use my free time in whatever way I want, whether it be investing in the lives of other women around me, focusing on some hobbies, serving in my church, working on my novel, or sleeping in until noon because I'm tired. In my singleness, I'm able to more fully focus on what my Savior may have in store for me next week, next month, or next year.
I'm not saying I want to remain single forever. I have always desired to be a wife and a mother. But it seems dumb to spend potentially years and years waiting around without making any progress, without moving forward in any way.
I don't want to meet my future husband in two years, or ten years, or even two months and when he asks what I've been doing for the last 24+ years to answer, "I've been waiting for you." I want to be able to share with him the ways God has worked in my heart, the ways He has used me for His kingdom, the things I have created for His glory, the relationships I have built that honor Him. And I want to him to be able to share the same kinds of things with me, too.
And so rather than begrudging the current state of things, I'm trying to do what I can with the time I've been given. To appreciate the late nights over appetizers, the spontaneous movie nights, the weekend shopping trips, the beautiful relationships built, the time I have to create, and the lazy Saturday mornings. I don't want a minute of this beautiful time to be wasted.
What are your thoughts on singleness? Does it seem like a thorn in your side or are you learning to delight in its beauty? What are some of the things you find frustrating about it? What about the blessings?
Photo Credit: Currie Fitzhugh Photography. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
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