At some point in your life, you have encountered that one person who has the same climatic effect on your blood as a tsunami. You know those effects: when this person walks into the room, your lungs suddenly need a ventilator for assistance. It is like some unseen force replaced your blood with molten lava. You are sure that you’re sweating, but when you touch your skin, it feels cold and clammy, like an abandoned mop. You swallow so many times, but still your throat is as dry as sandpaper. And if you wear your heart on your sleeve, and have somehow made it into your late twenties and thirties then this has probably happened more than once. We are over 40 million people in Kenya after all…
It is such a fitting name-crush. Something that destroys the ability to speak clearly. Or something that takes a fully functional brain and goes after particular cells responsible for reason and esteem. It’s really a ridiculous state of affairs because you essentially have to go through the motions of a break up from a relationship that never existed anywhere in the universe. Except in your head. Therefore, in the event that this happens to you a lot, then you need to schedule a break up with your thoughts and feelings before they eliminate your sense of reason completely.
Think about it this way: You probably don’t really want a relationship. It is easier for you to project passion to an unattainable person because you are afraid of being rejected in the real world where normal men exist. Constantly getting attracted to the aloof and disinterested man, you inadvertently avoid getting hurt in the normal way. Instead, you hurt yourself; which is a safer bet since you are already emotionally unavailable.
When you have a crush that is extended beyond a brief week, then you have yourself a monumental problem. You have to remember that it is impossible to hold someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your mind, when you could be holding a real person accountable for their actions. You really can’t sit around moping and wondering why someone isn’t feeling what you want them to be feeling when you have never stepped up to ask them in the first place. Any misery you may be feeling is for the most part your own creation. The person may have absolutely no clue that you are interested in the first place. And if they do know, they may have already indicated to you that they are not open to it. And the only reason you are still staring at them with giant weeping eyes, is because you have switched into soap opera mode and you are hovering there waiting for him to see you and magically catch up with your runaway emotions.
From the moment you realise that you are not having your warm feelings reciprocated and a relationship is nowhere in the horizon, this is what you must do: recognise that something is amiss in your emotional set up if you are still hanging on and hoping that things will happen over an extended period of time. You simply cannot accept breadcrumbs in place of a wholesome loaf of bread.
You have to consciously remove yourself from this state of self torture and avoidance and get out into the real world to risk getting into a real relationship. You have to love yourself enough to give yourself a better deal. You have to stop calling him to ask “meaningless questions” –particularly on Friday after a “few” drinks. You simply cannot “accidentally” text him any more, just to remind him that you are alive. You are probably scaring the man. You have to commit to the real world. Take everything at face value. If he doesn’t call, it really does mean that he does not, in fact, want to speak to you. It is not, under any circumstances because he is too shy and wants you to make a move. If you do not hear from him even after all those accidental bumps in the lift and giving him your number every time you see him, it is because he is out there living his life while you are day dreaming inside your head.
Spending your energy wanting someone who doesn’t even know you exist, obsessing about why they don’t want you and creating drama about how sad all this makes you feel is a little mad. The only person 100% responsible your happiness, where your head and heart is at, and who gets to invade your mental space is YOU.
Crushes are fine. They remind you that butterflies can once in a while grace your stomach. They remind you how to giggle. But a crush should never at any point …crush you.
Sometimes you just need to walk away. No. really. Stop it.
©Original version written for Healthy Woman Magazine Kenya.
