When I woke up this morning, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to write about today. Technically I'm not required to blog today, but I made the commitment to blog 3 times a week and so, naturally, it sort of makes sense to blog Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And since today is Wednesday, I should blog something.
It wasn't that I didn't have things I wanted to blog about. I have several things to blog about. I have my post for Friday planned already (but that's a date specific one, so I can't really blog that one today). I have quite a few things I've been mulling over in my head but I haven't been blogging them.
Why? You may ask. I mean, I'm a blogger, so it would make sense to blog the things I've been mulling over.
Well, the reason I haven't been blogging them is because I've been feeling rather insecure.
See, I love to write, obviously. I love to tell stories. I love to share thoughts. I love to spell things out in words. I love writing and I know that I'm meant to be a writer.
And yet...
I sit here and wonder.
I wonder why the posts I care the most about don't really seem to get much response. I wonder why I only seem to get a couple of comments per post and other people I read get dozens. I wonder why my followers have been sitting right around the same number for over a year. I wonder why people who used to read and comment regularly don't comment anymore. Does that mean they stopped reading? Does it mean they got tired of my writing or decided they didn't like it anymore? If people don't like my blog posts enough to keep reading, then what makes me think they would read a whole book that I would write? Does it mean I'm not a good writer?
It must mean I'm not a good writer. It must mean that I was wrong and that I'm not meant to be a writer. It must meant that I've been wrong all along and I should find something else to do. I should stop writing. I should stop blogging because I'm not good enough.
That's the thought process I've been going through over the last couple of days. And it's been crippling my ability to blog.
As I wrote the other day, I decided to read through the Bible this year. And I've had a lot of thoughts running through my head about the the things I've been reading. But I haven't been posting about them because...what if you don't care? What if my writing about my faith so much is turning people off? What if my constant talk about my faith is causing people to not like me or my blog?
And then I realized...that's dumb.
I love to write. I love my Savior. My faith is the biggest thing that defines me. It only makes sense that a lot of what I write would be about my faith. And as frustrating as it might be that my number of followers stay the same for a long time, I only get a few comments per post, and sometimes I don't get any comments at all, it doesn't matter, because I don't write for you guys. I don't even write for myself. I write for my Savior.
My favorite author is Francine Rivers. She says often that there is a difference between a Christian writer and a writer who is a Christian. A writer who is a Christian is just that -- someone who writes who also happens to be a Christian. A Christian writer is someone who cannot write without Christ taking a part in their writing. Without Christ their stories fall apart. That's the kind of writer that I want to be.
I know that's going to alienate some people. I know that's going to limit the number of people who read my blog. It may cause me to lose some readers. It may cause me to make some people angry. It may cause me to get some nasty comments or emails about my "intolerant views." It may cause my blog numbers to drop. It may cause my comments to be nonexistent.
But that's okay.
I'm still going to have some insecure days. I'm still going to have some days where I wonder why people who post very little content get tons of comments. But my blog stats don't matter. My comment numbers don't matter. My audience doesn't matter because, in the end, I write for an audience of One.
Do you ever feel insecure about your writing? Do you ever feel like if you only wrote this way or that way or more like this person that you'd get more followers or comments? What helps you regain your "blogging groove"?
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The post On insecurity. first appeared on Shades of Shayes.