Lately, I've felt an overwhelming desire to simply do nothing.
The last couple of weeks have been absurdly busy, so I haven't had time to do much of anything other than what I've had to do. So my room got messy, my laundry was left unfolded, and my grocery list continued to grow as the food in my refrigerator diminished. But all the craziness is done, for a time, so, in theory, I now have time to do things I should or would like to do.
I have time to clean my room. I have time to fold my laundry. I have time to redesign my website. I have time to learn my lines. I have time to balance my budget. I have time to go grocery shopping. I have time to read books. I have time to write thoughtful blog posts. I have time to work out. I have nothing but time, in theory.
And yet, I want to do none of these things.
Tonight is my only "free" night of the week. The rest of the week will be filled with work and various evening activities that will leave me no time to do the things I should/want to do. And so, in theory, I should get things done tonight. But all I want to do is sleep.
I technically had some time to do things on Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. But instead of going grocery shopping, or cleaning my room and folding my laundry, I stayed in bed until almost noon on Saturday morning and spent Sunday afternoon watching How I Met Your Mother in sweat pants.
I've had a pile of laundry on my chair for at least two weeks, my room hasn't been vacuumed in goodness knows how long, and I don't even remember the last time I went grocery shopping.
I want to be productive. I want to do things that make me feel good. I want to come home to a nice, clean apartment. I want to have fresh food to cook for dinner each night. I want to feel that exhausted but awesome feeling when I've finished a really good workout. I want to write inspiring, funny, or beautiful posts that I'm proud of. I want to feel good about where I am in life. But I'm finding that's hard right now.
I'm not happy with where I am right now because, in a lot of respects, it feels a lot like where I was one year ago.
One year ago, I was in this same job that has nothing to do with my field. One year ago, I was wanting to be a writer but now really knowing how to get there. One year ago, I was getting over a heartbreak and wondering when I'm finally going to find a guy who won't leave. The only thing that seems different is that I live in an apartment instead of with my parents, but even that doesn't seem like such a great accomplishment in light of everything else.
I thought I would've made more progress in a year. And maybe I did make some progress, but right now it feels a whole lot like one step forward and two steps back.
And maybe, in a couple of weeks, I'll be able to look at this in a better light. Maybe in a couple of weeks, as I reflect on 2012 as 2013 creeps up on us, I'll be able to look at where I am now in relation to where I was a year ago and find the bright spots. But right now I'm finding that hard.
Thankfulness and joy and contentedness are elusive to me right now and I can't seem to figure out why. Parts of me feel numb, parts of me feel acute pain, parts of me feel frustrated with the way things are. I'm a funk, a rut, in this weird I-just-don't-care place in life that frustrates me to no end.
I know people say that life isn't so much a straight line but a circle. I know the whole "sometimes you have to take two steps back to take one step forward" type of mentality. But that doesn't make me like it.
I don't feel any more adult than I did a year ago. I don't feel any more like I have my life together, like I know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how things are going to turn. I still feel halfway stuck between the college world and the real world. And that frustrates me almost to the point of anger on some days.
It's been a good year for so many of my friends, and I can't help but be jealous. They're getting jobs that they love. They're finding the person of their dreams (the number of engagements that have happened this year continually makes me want to punch babies, which is, obviously, a bad thing). They're succeeding and excelling and making contributions and making a difference. And I want that. So many of my friends who don't love the Lord are 100x more thankful and blessed feeling than I am right now and that makes me feel so dumb and ridiculous because, as a Christian, I've been given the greatest blessing in the entire world...but it doesn't seem to make a lick of different right now.
I want to be able to write full time about things that make people think, that inspire them, that point them back to Christ. I want to find my forever someone and finally be able to share my life with them. I want to succeed and excel and make contributions to good things and make a difference in the lives of other people. But I'm not (or don't feel like) doing any of those things, nor does it look like any of those things will be happening any time soon.
And in my head, I know that having your dream job or finding your spouse doesn't make you any more grown up, necessarily. But that's how it feels right now. It feels like if I was doing what I want to be doing and in a serious relationship that might lead toward marriage, that I would feel more grown-up. That I would feel more like I'm progressing, like I'm taking steps forward in my life.
I know that where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be because it's where God has put me, even if it is two steps back from where I was last year, but that doesn't make the situation any less frustrating.
I sincerely pray that I get out of this funk soon. That soon, I am motivated again to do things, to be productive, to contribute and excel, to be okay with being in an "in between" stage of life. Because I'm not such a fan of this I-don't-care version of myself that's been hanging around recently.
Do you ever feel like if just one thing changed you'd be "doing better"? Like you just need that job or that relationship or that success in order to feel like you're finally a "real adult"? Do you find yourself feeling like you're suddenly two steps backward from where you were six months or a year ago and you don't quite know how you got there or how to get back? And am I the only one who wants to punch babies every time I see another person get engaged? Please tell me I'm not the only one.
