Post-uni Blog 3: Future Thoughts and Feelings

Alright, so this is the last of the three blogs that I had planned to do in order to wrap up the last few months - thus far, I've covered what happened outside of uni, then inside of uni - now, I'm just going to muse on a few of the things that I've been thinking about the future. This entire year has been a tumultuous one for me. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually, it's been full of ups and downs, and I can feel that I'm a different person now from what I was when I arrived in this city. As the year begins to close out, I'm led to look back on it and wonder at what I've done, how I've changed, and what it all means for next year and beyond. I can't say I'm entirely confident that everything will work out in the near future, as I'm in a bind on a number of levels, but at the very least I've gone some way towards building a solid foundation to getting the peace and stability that I've craved and needed.
To start, I'm writing this in my local food court in Brisbane, during an afternoon when I could have been gainfully employed. I went for an interview earlier this week, and I felt I did okay, but I still received an email from the company yesterday telling me I'd been unsuccessful. It was for a removal company. Another job that I have little to no interest in doing for a career, but one that I still feel would have been worth my time, if it paid the bills. Thus, I've got a few mixed emotions, even today. I would have really enjoyed getting news that I had a job. That would have solved a lot of problems that I've faced recently. Having said that - it's also similar enough to the job that led me down the dark path of pathological mania and depression that even in the interview I didn't know how long I'd be able to keep it up for. It's probably better that I didn't get it. I'm no worse off. That's just what's going through my head about recent happenings.
I'm fitter than I was. I walk a lot more than I ever did - both because I'm more motivated, and because I am not able to drive as often as I did, and because there's better public transport in this city. I've lost a couple of kilos, though having to subsist on the poverty diet I have been hasn't helped matters as far as weight is concerned. I hope that once my financials have leveled out and I'm able to eat a healthier diet, my health will improve more than it already has. I'm in a much better state of mind because my body is healthier, which is probably the biggest benefit that I've been able to feel since leaving Rockhampton.
My education will continue, come hell or high water. Though the term was hard and it certainly didn't help financially - my payments dropped pretty drastically, which put me under a lot more stress and got me into debt. However, I feel that it helped me feel like I was moving forward from the unmitigated disaster that's been an extended period of unemployment. As I mentioned, I feel that I've used my time constructively and that I'm now at least tangentally involved in an industry that will help me on both a personal and professional level. In the future, the goal is to parlay the knowledge I have into something that brings me an income, whilst keeping 'sweating' out of my main list of duties performed. That might seem like a pretty basic thing to be aiming for, but honestly, as someone who's never held a job other than 'lift heavy things', yet has completed a university degree, I feel it's a good idea not to aim too much higher just yet.
In my personal life, I'm really just hoping that it stabilizes to the point where I'm able to move in with my girlfriend and begin living as I feel I was meant to when I left school - safely, securely, and happily. Again, this might seem like a pretty basic, bare bones thing to aim for, but it's really all I want at the moment. Perhaps I am still exhausted from everything that's happened lately - perhaps this is the last ghost of my depression and the feeling that I didn't deserve any more than a totally basic subsistence amount of anything falling away. Eventually I'd like a cat, and my own house by the beach, and a fulfilling career placing ink on pages. For now though, all I want is a hug from the woman who's everything I want and all of the bills paid without having to give guarantees to mates that I'll pay them back when I'm able. I feel that's been a big part of my frustration - I've never wanted to walk into the perfect job, and I've never wanted more than I can use. I've felt at times, however, that even trace amounts of satisfaction have eluded me. This has been an effect of bad circumstances first and then depression later on, but I feel ready to secure those good things now - what's more, I feel worthy of them. I will build on what I've done this year, and become better than I ever have been - mentally, physically, and hopefully financially.
That's about everything that I've wanted to say here - I'm really just feeling positive about how I've spent this year, and I am hopeful that things will continue to improve. There will probably be potholes along the way - I suspect my mental state has suffered some lasting damage, and I'm certainly not in an ideal position to help those that I care about get closer to their goals. These things will heal in time, as long as I keep working towards them - so that's what I'm going to do. I'm looking forward to the interesting times to come.