I've sat down to write this post at least 8 times... each time, my attention diverted away after just a few minutes. A hungry baby, a determined toddler climbing on something she shouldn't, a text message or phone call... it's amazing how much a second little person under your care comes in and changes your world.
Please don't judge me by the spit up on my shirt, my messy bun, or these pants I am wearing for the 3rd day in a row (they're so comfortable, thanks mom). My house seems to be a mess, no matter how many times a day I re-organize the disney figurines and clean up baby dolls. A porta crib has taken new residence in our family room to keep my curious little girl from smothering her baby brother when he is not in our arms (we're still working on "gentle"). My dining room table is stacking up with a list of 'thank you' cards to write and the seemingly endless list of things I need to do for my precious new addition's baby book. Sweet Andie has watched more Mickey Mouse Clubhouse than I care to disclose in the last 10 days. This beautiful baby boy still has his days and nights mixed up, so in the 4 hours we were awake last night, I was stressed about having the energy to make it through the day being the best mama I can possibly be. There is guilt... lots of it... as I try to maintain the focus and love on my sweet toddler and not lose my patience when she acts out.
But, if you could see inside my heart - inside my spirit - you would see a consuming love blossoming as I digest this beautiful new life I am so blessed to live as a mother of two. You would see my anxiety of time passing as I try to enjoy these precious moments with a newborn because I know too well how quickly this stage of his life will pass. You would see the genuine admiration I have for my husband as I have watched him gracefully embrace this new role of having a son. You would see my postpartum weepies get the best of me when I cry after hearing Andie say "I love baby", "oh no, baby" and rock her dolls. Most of all, you would see the gratitude I feel every single day. I know I will look back on this time of my life, some of it probably being somewhat of a blur... and wish to have just one more day with my little babies. I know there will be many times in the coming years where I will question my abilities as a mother, but I also know deep down I am meant to be their mom... this is more fulfilling than I ever imagined. They have filled a very special part of my heart.
Many people have asked me how Andie is adjusting to being a big sister. I am not sure she really quite understands what it means or how permanent it is. She's had her good and bad moments since we brought him home from the hospital - but in the moments where she kisses his head and wants to love on him, I know in my heart that she is going to take this roll as a big sister and love it. He has lots to look forward to, I am sure she will toughen him up in no time.
And, just as I did when I had my first baby... these life changes have made me realize just how lucky I am to have the family I do. My parents are nothing short of amazing. They have always gone above and beyond to support, encourage, love, and provide for my sisters and me. When we were in the hospital having Nolan (and now in the weeks following), they were right next to us the entire way - caring for Andie, playing with Andie, singing with Andie, cuddling Andie, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, taking pictures, doing laundry, and most importantly, loving us... showing an interest and making sure we have everything we could possibly need, and more. The day they left after we got home from the hospital, TL came inside and looked at me and said "your parents are life savers." And it's true. No amount of words could truly express the appreciation we have for them, I just hope to pass forward their love to our children and live life using their example as my guide.
Now I am off to breathe in more of that newborn scent, admire his miniature cleft chin that I know he got from me and be amazed by everything this bouncy 19 month old little girl is learning everyday. I may have a cluttered house, a pile of laundry, and haven't run a brush through my hair in days... but I am so proud to be their mom.
{admiring my son, just a few minutes after his first breath}
My mom and dad (Gramz & Pops)
