My second pregnancy, whilst it sees to have flown past, has felt quite more challenging than my first. I sometimes wonder if perhaps it's just that I'd forgotten how tired I felt whilst pregnant with Ethan.. perhaps I was just as exhausted, but maybe it's like the say it is with giving birth.. you soon forget the negatives because once they've passed they've passed and you're left with the most precious thing you could ever imagine. Who knows - all I know is that I've spent a lot of this pregnancy surrounded by a literal mist of exhaustion.
I've relied on my Husband so much more these last few months - day in and day out he's been my hero, yet I've felt my fair share of guilt because of that. I often find myself getting frustrated at myself for relying on him so much. I've wondered many a time how women who don't have their partners at home as much as I do are able to do it and then that makes me feel even more frustrated at myself and of course, that sets off the Mummy-guilt - where I question if I'm a good enough Mum because I haven't sat on the floor and played with my toddler as much as I could have lately and because I stopped, at 31 weeks pregnant, being the one to take Ethan swimming or to the park or to playgroup. But then I'll suddenly stop myself in my tracks and as I climb my way back up the spiral of guilty thoughts I'm having, I'll remind myself, for the 1000th time, how utterly ridiculous I'm being. I gently but firmly remind myself that I'm pregnant - growing another human being inside of me, a human being that I will be giving birth to in a few weeks time and that having no energy is part and parcel of the great big big task that I'm asking my body to do. It's now less than a week until baby's due date and despite the on-off tiredness, I'll really miss being pregnant. Personally, I find pregnancy quite like parenting in that it can be ridiculously tough but at the same time utterly incredible. Not knowing if this will be my last pregnancy sort of makes me want to hold on to and cherish every little moment that much more (though, perhaps not the feeling zombie-like part). I know that when it comes to looking back on now and the next few weeks, it's highly likely that it'll all just feel like one big blur, which is exactly what it feels like when I think back to having Ethan. And so because of that, I'm consistently reminding myself not to wish away these last few weeks and to make sure that I find time to really stop and enjoy them.
Pregnancy, albeit tough sometimes, is a blessing. I'll never stop feeling impressed by the sheer magic our bodies can do and the utterly amazing way they can produce the most special and precious little people. Everyday I spend hours imagining what baby will look like, what sort of personality he'll go on to have and what it will be like to be a family of four. My heart is so full of happiness and joy at the thought of these things and I've honestly never felt happier in my entire life. Since having Ethan, I've realised what my life is really all about - it's about family and happiness, it's about creating memories and sharing laughter. It's about enjoying the ups and learning from the downs. It's about raising my children the best way I possibly can and it's about feeling proud of every little thing they do and will go on to do.
And when you think about the hard times you go through during pregnancy and then you think about that - then it all the tiredness, aches, pains and whatever else start to feel rather insignificant - don't you think?!
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