"You're such a strong Christian."
"The way God is working in your life is just amazing."
"I wish I was as dedicated in my walk with the Lord as you are."
These comments and many similar to them have been said about me during my life. Some recently and others not so recently.
There was a time in my life where those kinds of comments were reassurance to me. They were reassurance that maybe, just maybe, I was doing something right. Maybe, just maybe, my life was somehow bringing glory to God. And that made me smile. It made my heart happy and light. It gave me joy to know that even when I was going through difficult times, others were somehow encouraged to pursue Christ through my walk with the Lord.
But when I hear those comments now? They make me want to run. They make me want to hide. They make me want to say, "No. You're wrong. You can't be talking about me. That's not me. I'm not strong. I'm not dedicated. I'm such a failure."
We're currently over two and a half months into the new year. One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to spend more consistent time in prayer and reading the Word. Things leading up to the new year had been crazy and busy and my time had gotten away from me and I was still adjusting to working full time and I knew that I was not spending the time with my Savior that I needed to.
And yet, that has not happened. Far from it. In these two and a half months, I have hardly spent any time in the Word. I have hardly spent any time in prayer.
And yet I have done other things.
I have written many blog posts. I have read the entire Hunger Games trilogy. I have watched the entirety of Firefly. I have caught up on Smash. I have weekly kept up with The Big Bang Theory, Castle, Once Upon a Time, New Girl, and Bones. I have spent time with Office Boy. I have played pool at Hard Times with college friends. I have traveled for many weekends in a row. I have gone to the symphony and the movies.
I have done all these things and yet I somehow haven't found the time to spend with the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of my soul.
And that breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to hear people describe me as a "strong Christian" and "dedicated" when I feel anything but.
I get easily distracted by the things of this world. I get distracted by shiny, pretty, flashy things. I get distracted by things that will one day fade away. And those things distract me to the point that I neglect the most important relationship in my life and the only thing that will never fade away. And it pains me to admit that.
It pains me to admit that most days I would rather spend 45 minutes watching the latest episode of Castle than spend 45 minutes in the presence of the King of Kings.
Why, oh why is my heart so easily distracted? Why am I so drawn to the things of this world? And why, though I do this time after time after time, is my Savior always there waiting for me?
The love of God amazes me. I cheat on Him all the time. I enter into idolatrous relationships with entertainment, people, organization, control, sleep, the list goes on an on. And yet, He is always there, waiting for me to return.
In ten days, my church will open this year's Easter pageant, entitled Faithful & True. As I have previously mentioned, I am playing Mary of Bethany. My "big scene" involves me portraying what is perhaps one of the most extreme displays of devotion and love recorded in Scripture. It involves me, as Mary, anointing my Savior with nard, an expensive perfume worth more than an entire year's wages. You can read the Scriptural account here. Another post regarding my thoughts on that will come later.
On Saturday night, for the first time in weeks, I pulled out my journal to pray. I generally journal my prayers because I feel strange praying out loud by myself and I find that when I pray internally, my mind wanders, so I stay the most focused when I write out my prayers. As I wrote and prayed, this thought came into my mind:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel itProne to leave the God I loveHere's my heart, Lord, take and seal itSeal it for Thy courts above
This is the last stanza to the hymn Come Thou Fount. For years, it has been one of my absolute favorites.
And it is my prayer. I am prone to wander. I am prone to be distracted by the pretty, shiny things of this world that will fade away. And so I must constantly give my heart to the Lord and ask Him to seal it for His purposes.
Seal it for Thy courts above.