'Who threw up in bathroom?'
I was lying on the couch pretending to be asleep
She knew exactly who threw up in the bathroom
I could sense she was slightly pissed of so I quickly excused myself to bed
I asked my mother this morning if she has said anything
She had
And then some
She complained that I had left sick on the toilet, on the sink and on the door
Traces of my latest bulimic episode
Now at this point I must say that I am not in the habit of leaving the contents of my stomach all over the bathroom
I can only think that it happened when I was washing up
How embarrassing
How disgusting
How mortifying
I wanted the ground to swallow me up
Anyway sister was pretty pissed
And I can understand that
I mean who else wants to see someone elses throw up all over their house
I sure don't
But I also felt hurt and disappointed
Disappointed that she didn't say it me and unloaded it all on to my poor mother
And hurt that she was so insensitive
If she finds it difficult to witness, imagine how hard it is for me living in the midst of it day in day out
She reads this blog
She knows what I go through
Can't she show just a little bit of compassion or empathy?
This morning things were tense
I went for an early morning walk and she was up when I came home
We went to a cafe for breakfast and things were beyond awkward
My sister finally said
'What is wrong with you?'
So I said my piece
I told her how upset I was
She said she didn't want to say it to me about the bathroom because she didn't want to embarrass me
She apologised
She felt terrible that she had upset me so much
So we built a bridge and got over it
For now
It makes me quite angry that the only thing people get upset about with bulimia is vomit
Never mind that we are killing ourselves
Never mind that we are damaging ourselves mentally and physically
Forget the fact that we could drop dead of a heart attack at any minute
Forget that we are sick
Let's concentrate on vomit
Throw up
Sick
What ever you want to call it
It's messy
It's disgusting
It's not something to discuss in polite conversation
Bit it's what I live every single day
I might be on holidays but bulimia doesn't take any days off
She has one mission
To drive me insane and then ro kill me
I have no doubt about that
I'm not in the habit of giving out about people here and I'm not giving out about my sister
I just feel so horrible being bulimic
I hate to the point of anger
Whatever about anorexia
Anorexia is passive
Bulimia is active and if you are in a room with it you can't miss it
All my siblings have expressed to me at different times that they find it difficult to be around me and that is so very hurtful
But I understand
I can't stand being around me either
I understand that witnessing my behaviours is difficult for my family
But living in the midst of them as I do everyday is nigh on impossible
I feel so low today
I couldn't feel any lower
Having my behaviours pointed out to me is a sure fire way to bring me down
It's Thursday night here
I haven't eaten in about 24 hours
And I don't want to
If I can't be bulimic in comfort I will just have to change gears in to anorexia
It feels like there is no other option
It's all or nothing
Black or white
I'm sorry
I was trying so hard to be positive at the start of a new year
But here I am
Going nowhere
Round in circles
Bulimia, anorexia, bulimia, anorexia
Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight
Recovery is a concept so very foreign at the moment
I don't even know what it means anymore
I'm slipping
But so what
Who care?
I sure don't anymore
